Epiphany

I just had an epiphany.

Up until this very moment, I thought my depression was just a continuation of that from years ago, but I was wrong. I'm mourning the loss of my support system. I'm mourning the loss of nearly 10 years of mutual trust, love and support. The knowledge that when everything got too hard to handle one or both of them would be there for me. The knowledge that I could tell them anything at all and they wouldn't judge me, that they would be there for me in whatever way I needed. I feel so alone without J. I think I honestly don't care about S anymore, I miss what we used to mean to each other and have for years. But J is the harder pill to swallow. In the end, the things she said to me, I mean, how long had she been holding all that back?!

I love Master, I wouldn't have married him if I didn't, but it's the not the same. I can't confide in him the way I could them. I mean, you can't dish about your feelings and just girl talk about your lover to your lover.

Gods, sometimes I just feel slow.