Episode 28: My Cold, Lonely, Dark Soul

Ever been with someone for so long that you finally realize how permanent things could be and that scares you to the point where you start to find ways to get on the other persons nerves so He can do something to piss you off, justifying you leaving Him? I think I have come to this point. I am surrounded by those that love me, but I still feel as if I am the only one in a crowded room. I feel alone. I feel unneeded, and unwanted. And I know intellectually that I shouldn't, but in my heart, I do. I love Him, but I have no idea how to handle this. I do not know what to do and this frightens me. It chills me to my cold, lonely, dark soul.

Episode 27: Will you marry me?

Marriage. Every girls' dream, right? Not really. It may have been once upon a time, but the fairytale is over and I am not sure if it is the right thing for me. I may be in love with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? How do you really know if the love you are experiencing now is the real deal? I love him, I know I do.
It's just an extremly scary thought, eternity with one person. Which, it is interesting that I feel this way, seeing as I have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life. For someone with that fear, a guy that you are in love with asking if you would be with him for the rest of your life shouldn't make you fear that kind of commitment. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know he would stay with me. He has so far, even when I broke up with him to date someone else (Zac) and then came crawling back to him. He loves me no matter what I have said or done in the past. He loves me despite myself.
Maybe, just maybe, I should say yes to him. I do love him, and I know I don't want to be without him. I don't know though. Shouldn't it be obvious that if you love someone and you know that you don't want to be without them, that when they ask to marry you, you should accept? I think so. Maybe it was all too sudden for me. I don't know. All I know is, I do love him.

Episode 26: Ok, so maybe not the end, but it was an end to a peice of myself

Even though it was over a month ago, the pain is still real. I still think about him and everytime I look at him, it hurts again. I'm not sure how I will move on from this. Probably the same way I am getting over the father of my would-be-baby. Stop thinking and feeling anything for him. Unfortunatly, I am not sure if i can do that anymore. I opened a part of myself for him that had been closed off for years, it might take years for me to close it back again. I don't know. I am not sure I want to know. I just want to be able to look at him and not hurt everytime.
But, maybe that's not true either. Maybe, just maybe, if I can look at him and not think of what could have been or should have been, and not hurt all the way to my soul, then, maybe that would mean that I don't love him anymore. And that would be just as terrible as loving him and not having him. And I do love him, just as I still love Preston. There is nothing I can do about it.
So, until I am able to go a whole day without thinking of what me and Zac had been to each other, I will hurt and I will curse myself everytime, for being stupid enough to think that it could have worked between us. I knew the relationship was doomed from the beginning and yet I still went ahead and suffered another heartbreak.
I am wondering if I will ever make it through another heartbreak. There are far too many on my list. I guess that, even though everyone thinks that I am so tuff and shit, I am really not. Is that so bad? Or maybe I am tuff but I can still feal? I dont know, all I know is I love too easily for the people in this world. I am currently sitting next to one of the girls who I would have given my life for, I love her that much, and it's like we are strangers. It's as if that night in my bed meant nothing. And maybe, to her, it didn't. I'll never know.
I love too easily and too forcefully. Damnit! If I love you, you know it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So what do I do about it? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets me hurt over and over again.
And yet, I am still here. Albeit, with more than 5 new scars, but still here. I just wonder if my body can handle any more cuts and bruises.