Goddess for Today

NINA

Themes: Health; Cooperation; Dreams; Magick; Meditation.
Symbols: Lions; Fish; Serpent (her sacred animals)

About Nina: A very ancient Mother Goddess figure in Mesopotamia, Nina has many powers, including healing, herb magick, meditation, dream interpretation, and helping civilization along when needed. Today we will be focusing on her healthful attributes and knowledge of herbs to improve well-being for the winter months.

To Do Today: Pan-American Health Day focuses on worldwide cooperation in the public heath field. On the home front, do everything possible to make your home and body healthy and strong. Beginning in your living space, wash the floors using sage water, and burn a sage smudge stick. This herb decreases germ infestation and is magickally aligned with Nina's energy. As you go through your home, carry a small bell and add this incantation:

Nina, come and make us well;
banish sickness with the ringing of this bell.

Ring the bell in each room at the end of the incantation. In many religious traditions, bells are considered to scare away the evil influences that cause sickness.

To overcome a troublesome malady, put a picture of one of Nina's sacred animals under your pillow to invoke a healing dream. This tradition is very old and sometimes results in healthful energy being conveyed through your dream, or in a dream that shows you what to do for a cure.

Goddess For Today, November 27, 2008

Mina Koya

Themes: eather; health; Ghosts; Blessing

Symbol: Salt

About Mina Koya: The salt goddess of the Pueblo Indians, Mina Koya is often venerated during autumn festivals for her power to cleanse, protect, and preserve things, including our homes and traditions. Her healing power becomes all the more important as winter’s chilly hold gets stronger.

To Do Today: New Mexican festival, Shalako is an all-night ritual of dancing and chanting to bless homes, commemorate the dead, bring good weather, and improve health for all participants. One tradition that honors Mina Koya and draws her well-being into the sacred space of home is that of noise making. Take a flat-bottomed pan and sprinkle salt on it. Bang this once in every room of the house (so some of the salt shakes off). This banishes negativity and evil, replacing it with Mina Koya’s blessing. To improve the effect, chant and dance afterward, sweeping up the salt and keeping it for the weather charm that follows. Or, flush the salt down the toilet to flush out any maladies.

If it’s been wet or snowy and you need a reprieve, bind a little salt in a white cloth and bury it. The weather should change temporarily soon thereafter. This bundle will also protect your home and its residents from damage by harsh weather for as long as it stays in the ground nearby.

Goddess for Novemeber 25, 2008

Arianrhod

Themes: Arts; Magick; Manifestation; RebirthSymbols: A Silver Wheel (spinning tools: shuttle, yarn)

About Arianhod: In Welsh tradition, this is the goddess of the "silver wheel" upon which magick is braided and bound together in a tapestry of manifestation. Stories tell us that Arianhod abides in a star where souls wait for rebirth (the wheel here becomes the wheel of life, death, and rebirth).

To Do Today: Known as Catherine of the Wheel, this saint oversees spinsters (literally and figuratively) . Like Arianhod, she is a patroness for lace makers and seamstresses. In keeping with this theme, today is an excellent time to try your hand at making a special pouch for housing some of your magickal tools or trinkets. Begin with two rectangles of natural-fiber cloth one inch larger that the item you wish to house within. Put the right sides together and stitch three edges, leaving a three-quarters of an inch opening at the top for a drawstring to finished edge. Turn the pouch right side out. Repeat the goddess's name to bind Arianhod's power ineach stitch. Fold over the top hem twice so it won't unravel, and stitch that with silver thread for the goddess's protection.

If time doesn't allow for this, a favored beverage to inspire this goddess's blessings is ale or cider with an apple slice or caraway bread and tea. Pour a little of this out as a libation, then drink it fully to awaken and energize Arianhod's magickal potential within you.

Episode 47: Mistakes

Ever had a day when all of the mistakes you've made in the past became painfully and acutely aware to you?

That's how I feel. There are few things that I feel I did right this year but more than that, I sit here today and see everything I did wrong. It makes my heart hurt to sit here and think of all of those mistakes and it brings tears to my eyes knowing that I can't change what has been done. That I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hand but I failed to see it for what it was or more often than not, I was too impatient to wait it out

Episode 46: Giving Up

Do you ever feel like just letting go, giving up? Do you ever feel like it's all a waste of time.

Well I do. I don't know if I can keep going like this. I feel like I'm spread too thin, that my emotions are spread too thin. I don't want to feel like this. I don't know how to love three people, long distance, and keep us all happy. But then again, is that necessarily my job? I don't know. All I know is I have this strong desire to make everyone happy. I want the people I love to be happy, but I have to be happy too and I dont know how to do that when faced with the knowledge that he loves someone else.

*crying* I just want to be loved and I want them all happy, but I don't know how to deal when the way for them to be happy isn't me.

Episode 45: On the Subject of Love

So, on the subject of love. How long do you wait, after you feel you are in love with someone, to tell them? Sometimes, it doesn't take me long at all. Sometimes I don't even realize I am in love with the person until it just slips out. Sometimes it takes me years to realize I am in love with someone.

But then, there are the times that I know I am in love with someone and am afraid to tell them. Ever have that happen? You know you love someone but are afraid to tell them, in case they don't feel the same?

And I don't mean loving someone, I really do mean, being in love. Loving someone and being in love are two different things. I know who I love and I know who I am in love with. I know that I love the people I love and I also know that I would love them even if I weren't "in love" with them.

Am I making any sense? I'm trying to talk about how I feel about certain people, without revealing names.

I feel that I am in love with someone, but I'm afraid to tell them how I feel. I mean, rejection is a big fear for me. I don't want to tell him that I am in love with him and then have him tell me that he likes me but that he doesn't love me back.

So, how long is long enough before telling someone that you are in love with them, or that you think you are falling in love with them?

I just....I don't know if I can tell him that not only do I love him, and I do, but that I think I am in love with him.

Episode 44: Update on Living Arrangement

Just thought I would come in and add this one little bit.

In 2-3 weeks, I am moving out of my parents house and into my friend Blake's house. I'll be living with Blake and a mutual friend Sam out near Watson's Mill.

I'm excited about this move, finally being away from my parents, but I'm also afraid. Afraid of the change.

But, that's what I came back to say. Lol.

Episode 43: Doctors Appointment

I had my doctors appointment today. Sucked ass. Filled out all this paper work. Had to sit around for a while. Then the nurse called me back and we weighed me (holy shit! do i need to lose weight!!!!), measured me (yep, I'm stil 4 foot 11 and 1/2 inches tall), blood pressure, pricked my finger to check my iron count and then moved me into the little exam room. *sigh*

I know, same old same old shit. Very long story short, I wore nothing but paper today. Oh! Wait, not true. I also wore my socks. I got my HIV test done. Did you know that they don't have to draw blood anymore to determine HIV, that they can test your saliva for the HIV antibodies? I didn't either. Pretty cool though. Then came the breast exam. Always weird to have some cute little chick have her fingers all over your breasts and still manage to be calm and professional about it, even when your breathing increases.

And then the pelvic and pap smear exams. Suffice it to say, I don't remember my first pap smear hurting this bad. The pressure really sucked. Oh, and apparently my cervix is tilted which added to the tension when she locked the speculum to do the swabs. Now, I don't know what this woman did, but I cried when she did one of the swabs. Hurt so bad. And not in the good way, at all. She did one more swab than necessary. She said she wanted to look at it under the micro. Turns out I have a very very very mild yeast infection. One pill, that she gave me, is supposed to clear it all up. I don't know if it will or not, as I didn't notice any symptoms to begin with. *sigh*

Oh, what joy the pelvic exam was. Similar to the breast exam actually. It's been so long since I've had fingers other than my own in my cunt that it was deff. an experience to have hers, gloved or not, in my cunt. But oh well. I was then able to clean off the lube (anyone know what they use? it was an unmarked bottle and I'm curious) and get re-dressed.

We talked about some other things. I decided to go ahead and get a Hepatitis B shot. Now, for me, who adores the special subspace that needles send me to, this was a very trying experience. I cried. I flipped out. I hate shots. I just hate them. She gave it to me in my left arm and it was over rather quickly and we laughed earlier, especially as I had already told her the story of how I got my nipples pierced and that I wasn't afraid to get them done. But, I don't know why, but shots are different. Sucked. Ass.

I then made up my mind to go ahead and get birth control. I mean, really, what can it hurt? They gave me a three-month supply. I'm not actually looking forward to it. But, *sigh* I guess I've put it off long enough.

I wont actually get my results back for 1-3 weeks (1 for the chlamydia test and 3 for the HIV). So, now all I have to do is wait. I hate this waiting, not knowing if I have to kill Stephanie or not.

Episode 42: Halloween in Athens 2008

Halloween was Friday. For the past 5-6 years, mom hasn't let me out for Halloween. No parties. No trick-or-treating. Just sitting at home with her and Sleepy Hallow and Bram Stoker's Dracula. Well, I'm 18 now. She could have said that I couldn't go out, but I still would have.

I was more than excited about Halloween this year. My best friend lives in an apartment complex so I was more than excited by then. We could go trick-or-treating AND hand out candy!!! Too f***ing cool!!! We also made plans to go to this club, Level 131 on Broad Street in Downtown Athens, for the clubs Heaven or Hell Halloween 2008 Party! Level 131 is a dance club and I LOVE to dance. Well, me and Jordan decided we wanted to get new costumes for the club. So we (me, Jordan and our friend Alexandra) went to get costumes. By this time we're bouncing off the walls. So, it takes forever for us to get back to the apartment. It's too late to go trick-or-treating now. Disappointing, but I'm still pumping to go to the club. I should have known the night was doomed from the start, starting when we got to the costume store and they didn't have the costume I wanted.

We got into the club, saw a ton of friends from school. And then we somehow ended up spending the evening on a couch up against the back wall. Me and Alexandra kept waiting for some of our guy friends to show up so we had some guys with us on the dance floor. Jordan, spent the night with her f***ing cell phone glued to her gods d***ed hands. She let her fiance, whom she has never met and lives in Maine, ruin her night. And her negative energy spilled over to us. And then, the one little bit of drama for the night happened.

We had just gotten off the phone with Blake, who was too drunk to even find Level, when the first fight broke out. All of a sudden, there is this mob of black guys and mexican guys trying to kill each other about 10 feet away from out wall. Panic sets in. We're already too close to the wall to back up, so we quickly shuffled around them. We thought we were far enough away. We were wrong. We had to move again. This time Alexandra and I weren't quick enough. We were trapped in a corner. We were so close I'm surprised we didn't get hit. No, we were lucky we didn't get hurt.

I have no clue where the f***ing bouncers were, but eventually the different groups pulled themselves apart. And what do you know? It was a gang fight. I'm not even going to name them here. Not worth it and I don't want that kind of attention.

But anyways. It looks like everything is calmed down, all the bouncers are in that room and we go back to our couch. We aren't even there a min. before another fight breaks out and we're up and all the way across the room, out of the way and away from corners before we get trapped again. Fight lasts less than 2 min. before the bouncers break it up. We're back to our couch. And out guys show up! But what do they do? Zero in on Jordan, the tall, skinny chick with big tits. And what happens because of that? They pick up on Jordan's mood and now we're all sitting there frustrated.

Me and Alexandra take the iniative and drag Jordan and the boys to the dance floor. Now, this is what I will not understand, ever. Jordan kills our mood by just standing there. The boys just left, went back to the couch and Jordan just stood there. Well, it's no fun to dance with someone who wont dance, so we all left and was miserable on the couch again. And that was it until 3 AM when Jordan had enough and declared that we were leaving.

And get this. We're out the door and almost on the street when these idiot guys start a street fight. In the middle of Broad Street, completly surrounded by cops. The stupidity that was ruling the streets Halloween night was unbelievable. I mean, Halloween should not be the time for everyone to leave what little brains they have.

Walking down the street to the Holiday Inn Express (yes, I know, we weren't supposed to park there), I slip and fall when crossing the street. For some reason, I've been having a really hard time walking in my boots. Actually, I've been having a really hard time walking in my boots on top of road paint. Something about it makes my boots slip. And that is how the death of my favorite boots happen. The murder: road paint. Casualties: my heart. I actually cried over my boots. They are ruined. The sole has been ripped off the bottom of the left boot and the right has the same thing happening. And the leather is majorly scuffed, to the point were I don't even think I can call it scuffed, just ripped off, at the toe of the left boot. I seriously mourn my boots.

The best part of the night was The Circle Jordan and I cast. I've neglected my rituals, daily offerings and worship for far too long. It was great to be able to do it again. I'm not going to share many details of that part of the night. We wore cloaks and jeans, nothing else. Suffice it to say, we were freezing and greatful to get dressed again when we finished. lol.

The rest of the weekend went ok. Saturday we went to see Saw V, again. But this time we took Gay Man (my ex-boyfriend, Zacky-Poo..lol) with us. It's always a blast to go see a gory, bloody movie with Gay Man/Zacky-Poo. It's just so cute to me to see a gay guy cower in fear and plaster himself to me to bury his face in my hair so he doesn't have to watch. But then, we went too far. After the movie, we went to the Athens Fair. It was the lamest fair I have ever been to in my entire life. And yet, Zacky-Poo got sick. I am so glad that he didn't get sick on me. I would have felt bad for him as I killed him. But he got sick. Jordan was desperate to go on the "Ferris Wheel". Ok, this was no ordinary Ferris Wheel. It was one of those ones where if you dont control the wheel, you end up flipping upside down and going around and around upside down. Well, I'm afraid of heights. I can fly commercial and am fine. I can be on the balcony of a top floor hotel room, sitting on the railing, not holding on and be perfectly fine. But apparently, Feris Wheels, the swings that go up about 300 feet in the air, ladders, ect freak me the fuck out! And what do I do? I ride the Feris Wheel in Zacky-Poo's place. We went up and I was crying before we got half way up. Jordan laughed at me. We went around 3 times before she called to the guy to stop the ride. But she crawled out of the seat laughing at me. I wanted to strangle her.

We left very soon after that. Took Zacky-Poo home. We then went to WalMart and Chick-fil-A. Went home. Jordan went to bed in 10 min. and I watched movies and played on the internet until about 12:30. Went to bed and was jerked awake when Stephan, jordan's dad, teasingly tried to steal my teddy bear from my arms and hide it. Evil man that he is. I spoiled his plan though. I woke up and was awake until he left. Dead to the world again in 5 min.

Nothing else eventful. I packed all my crap up. Jordan drove me home. That was my Halloween weekend.

I came home on Sunday and decided that if I had known that that is what my Halloween weekend would have been like, I would have just stayed home.

Episode 41: Sweet Freedom

One more quick note:

I may be moving out and into an apartment in December!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Episode 40: Job Interveiw and Doctors Appointment

So...two of the most dreaded days are upon me. Tomorrow at 1 o'clock, I have a job interveiw. My first. Am I ready for this? Not at all. I've gotten used to waking up whenever the fuck I want. But then again, this is only a part time job, working when they think they will be the busiest. It's just, I'm going to miss being able to write down any story idea, or next paragraph or brilliant sentence that just forms in my mind. I remember my first job and how I strugged to keep the good stuff in my mind all day and still do my job. And I'm afraid that some of the people I have grown accustomed to talking to on a daily basis will lose touch and I wont be able to talk to them much anymore.

And now the worst part. Next monday, at 1 o'clock (what is with 1 o'clock???), I'll be getting a physical and pap. I hate doctors. I hate physicals even more. And my all time least favorite thing, a pap. Stripping, putting my legs in those little stirups and spreading myself in front of someone that I just met. Not my favorite thing in the whole world. In fact my least favorite thing. I would rather be pregnant again with morning sickness all day through again than have a pap done. I HATE IT! *sigh* At least I have till next Monday to really worry about this shit.

Episode 39: Unnecessary Possessions

Oscar Wilde, a dandy’s dandy, once said that “we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” What unnecessary possession can you not live without?

So, I sat here for a while, thinking about this one. What unnecessary possession can I not live withou? At first I thought my laptop. But then I really thought about that. It's not true. I need my laptop for school (essays, term papers, research), for writing (Word, research), the internet (to connect, to friends and other lifestylers, to learn from them as I am unable to go to munches and parties right now, to job hunt, to amuse myself, to listen to music, to research, to check my bank account and pay a few bills) and therefore it is not an unnecessary possession.

Then I thought that some of my clothes were unnecessary, which this is true, but I'm just generalizing here, and clothes are necessaties where I come from. lol.

So, I glanced around my room. Pens? Necessary for writing. Paper? Necessary for writing. Books? Necessary for my (in)sanity. CDs? Necessary for my (in)sanity. Puppy? Necessary for daily playtimes. Stuffed animals? Necessary for cuddling and sleeping, especially when sleeping alone (as I always am). Blankies? Necessary for sleeping and nap time and the cold weather.

Those are the general things in my room. But! I have found two things that aren't really necessary. One is my skim board and two is my alter.

The skim board. I bought it 2 years or so ago. Now, on the east coast it's kind of difficult to surf so skim boarding is as close as I will ever get to surfing. But, I'm not really good at it. This could be because the board isn't the right size for me to evenly distribute my weight and therefore balance the board properly and because I have one of the cheap boards instead of one of the $120 beautiful ones that I want. Even so, this board is unnecessary in my life and yet, I can't live without it. I love this thing. Can't explain why, but I do. I thought about giving it to my little cousin who is better at skim boarding than me...couldn't do it. I couldn't part with the damn thing. For some reason, it is an unnecessary object that I can not live with out.

And my alter. Now, to a Pagen or Wiccan their alter is extremely important to their craft and necessary. Not to me. I don't necessarily need it. I could put everything away in a drawer and only bring it out when it's time for a ritual or holiday. And yet, it seems that I can't do that. It is necessary to me to have my alter out and pristine at all times. My alter is my ultimate, unnecessary possession that I can not live without.

Episode 38: Jobs, Drinks, Blood and Gore, and That Damned Wall

Written on the 23rd

So, I feel that today was a bust. I got up, put on work clothes (i.e. dress pants and a nice shirt), put on make-up because I "had a job interview" today. I wasn't told to come at any particular time. I had to go into town today with my parents. We went to Olive Garden for lunch, and then WalMart and then Dad finally took me over to Great Clips for the interview. When we got there, the manager was busy, so she just had me fill out an application and said she would call me and set up an appointment for an interview. I feel like I wasted my time. I hate dressing up and I hate make-up. Now, I know it was necessary and I don't want to hear that it was...but it just angers me. All that aside now and on to better things.

I have a party to go to this Friday. I'm going as a human kitten (hee hee)!!! I love Halloween. It's the perfect time for all us lifestylers/kinksters to show our true colors and none of the vanillas are any wiser (plus it's one of the most cooler of the Wiccan holidays). Brilliance! But, it should be fun. Lots of music and even more alcohol. I plan on getting shitfaced. I haven't gone drinking in a while and I am beyond excited about this opportunity.

I got my best friend and sister in Wicca to watch the Saw movies last weekend (even though I call the movies "torture porn" and she hates blood and gore) and now she is excited about the release of Saw V tomorrow. So, I'll be going to see it too!!!

I know this post seems random but most of them are.

On the topic of my slave hood. I recently had a minor scene on the phone. Or it should have been. It didn't stay that way. For months I teetered back and forth between compliance and defiance with the man that guided me and helped insure that my first, real-life experience went well (we'll call him: The Doctor). Now, I would be willing to accept that the reason I would rebel and put up a wall is because I don't really know and trust this person. But, it's not true. I, with all my heart, trust The Doctor, even love him. But for some reason I would still put up this wall when he would order me to do something simple, like kneel or talk about how I feel while playing. It was the not talking while playing that was our main problem. And that was my problem last night (not with The Doctor).

That cursed wall has gone back up. *claws desperately at wall* I WANT IT DOWN!!!!!!!

Episode 37: Love, Pain and Three's A Crowd

What do you do when you end up coming between two people that you care about? I never wanted to come between them, ever and yet, I somehow have. And I feel so bad about it. And yet, I don't think there is anyway to fix it and us all come out of it ok. I would be ok with it if they were able to fix things and I was left out. It's not my desire to hurt others just to make myself happy. I just want them to be happy again, even if I am left hurting. It's not fair to her to feel bad about how I feel about her Master and it's unfair to him to feel guilty that she and I are hurting....I just wish that life was easier.

Episode 36: At A Crossroads

I've made mistakes in my life. Some good, some bad, some terrible. It's the bad and terrible ones that I worry about. They are the ones that keep me up at night, thinking about. I think about the what-if's. What if I had done this, what if I had done that.

It's almost 6 in the morning. I've been up thinking about my recent mistakes. I hesitate to call them mistakes...but, essentially that's what they are. I have learned from them, so I guess one could say that they were for a good cause. I just don't know what to do now about them/it. I try to abide my by spiritual beliefs sacred law, An' it harm none, do as ye will. Breaking hearts doesn't really coincide well with that, and I'm afraid that the only way to fix some of these mistakes is to break some hearts. I feel like I am at a crossroads, standing there, staring down both paths, wondering which is the better path.

A new friend of mine said that it sounded like I had lost respect for him, and that might be true. I don't like to think that that is true. Another friend has told me that maybe writing down everything I have a problem with and then going throug the list and figuring out ways to solve those particular problems, as if I am the only one in the relationship that would be working to solve the problems (as I believe I am, as the problems lie with me). I'm not sure if that will work (to you whom suggested this: don't yell at me, I'll do it soon, I promise), but I am willing to try.

I don't want to just give up on this. I really do care about this person and I don't want to cause any unnecassary pain. But I guess the fact is, at this moment in time, I'm not happy anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to be happy about this again. I'm just running out of ways to do this.

In the past month I have learned that I am disrespectful, bitchy, bratty, clingy, needy and utterly lost.

Finding my way home,

Slave Belle Morte

Episode 35: The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

*My other favorite poem*

Episode 34: Meeting the Master by Elisa Wald

Meeting the Master

"Beware the fury of a patient man."
John Dryden

I dreamt you had the patience of a prayer:
You let me memorize your open hand
Before you closed a fist around my hair.

I read a warning written down somewhere:
"Beware the fury of a patient man."
I dreamed you had the patience of a prayer.

I'll swear to the truth if you'll take a dare,
Plead guilty if you'll force me to the stand,
And close a knowing fist around my hair.

Yours is the rhythm of a rocking chair:
Steady as an hourglass spilling sand,
I dreamed your patience would make saints despair.

I've yearned to cringe beneath your level stare.
My wish had been to be at your command---
To kiss the iron fist around my hair.

I've waiting for years, searching everywhere,
But only you have made me understand:
Patience in a slave is itself a prayer,
And answered by your fist around my hair.

*One of my favorite poems*

Episode 33: I cried today

I was surfing the profiles of some of my friends today on one of my favorite websites when I came across this picture that made me cry. It wasn't that it was a sad picture because it wasn't. It was the intensity of the love protrayed in this one simple picture. It took my breath away and yet again...reminded me of what I truly want. A love to call my own. Damnit, I'm crying again thinking about it.

I want someone who is dominant to me, an experienced Dom/Top/Master/ect., and yet, I also want that person to also be able to have an exclusive relationship with me.

Where I am now in my life, it seems I want the impossible.

Episode 32: The Doktor's Laws of Good BDSM

These Laws are based on my extensive personal experiences, and also from noting the waning and waxing popularity of various other guidelines and rules meant to preserve the practicality and humanity of this thing we call BDSM, Kink, or Fetish. (Or more precisely, how catchy we think the resulting acronym is.) I have concluded these as my personal Laws. Therefore, these Laws need only apply to those persons who have equal or greater levels of intelligence, charisma, skill, sensitivity and quality of personal hygiene. ...oh yeah, a little humility doesn't hurt either.

The Laws

1.) I am the Dominant, it's all my fault.

2.) I am the Dominant, I make the rules.

3.) You are the submissive, you make the choices.

4.) You are the submissive, you have to tell me. (I only pretend to be a mind reader.)

5.) It's the fun stupid.

Some notes on these Laws

On the Order of The Laws:

The order in which the Laws are listed is merely for emphasis, all the Laws are of equal importance. Also, it's fun to quiz your submissive on the order, constantly switch the first two no matter what answer they give, and spank them soundly for not remembering.

On Exceptions:

None. Not happening. No exceptions ever. It's not the Ten Commandments, Sharia Law, or even The Dietary Requirements of the Buddha that are the source of all misery on this planet; it's the little exceptions people keep trying to inject. e.g., "Thou shalt not kill... unless it's an infidel of course, or a menstruating woman who ventures outside the red tent, or say some poor shmoe that hit a sacred cow with his Toyota pick-up."

On Titular Semantics:

Wherein the terms Dominant and submissive do not apply for any reason whatsoever, transpose the appropriate terms as desired. e. g., Dominant may be replaced with Top, Mistress, Master, Goddess, Mommy, Daddy, Doctor, Grandpa, Bubbie, Lord, Lady, Excellency, Majesty, Darth Sidius, Your Holiness, or (my personal favorite) Grand High Poo Bah. And yes, submissive and slave are interchangeable as well, if you can't get that, please get a life.

On Interpretation of the Laws:

If you feel these Laws need to be explained or elaborated on in any way, please consider taking an adult literacy class. The Laws are simple, all encompassing, and brutally straightforward for a reason. And that reason is that lawyers already have enough money and influence; fuck 'em, this is one set of Laws they should keep their hands off.


***This was written by my good friend, Doktor Spankentsein***

Episode 31: I am a brat

I am a brat. I didn't really think that I was a brat until Master forced me to see it. Being a brat was never my intention. But I guess that's what I am. Or maybe the reason I seem more of a brat as of late is becuase of the fact that I am exhausted. I've been staying up all night into the early morning hours in the hopes that I can talk to Master, talking to him for a few hours and then repeating the whole process. Sometimes I get a short 2 or 3 hour nap each day, but more often than not, I don't sleep at all. Lack of sleep not only puts me in a perpetual bad mood but it weakens my immune system and is probably why I'm still a little sick from 3 weeks ago.

In any case, we've come way too close to terminating the relationship as it is too many times. I know that it's all my fault. And even knowing this, I can't figure out how to fix this or if it can be fixed. Maybe I just need to be beaten back into place. Or maybe I need to be beaten into place for the first time. I don't know. I feel like I cause him an extreme amount of unecassary pain and stress.

If you are reading this, and I do cause you unnecassary pain and stress, then maybe I should turn in my collar. I don't want to cause you anymore pain, you don't need to have to deal with my crap all the time. Even though I love you, I cause more stress than I'm worth. I promise I wont be upset. It's just, I know that you have more than enough to deal with, without having to deal with me.

Episode 30: Respect Vs. The Doormat

When does compromise of self expression become the re-wiring for a doormat? I'm not sure I have this answer or if I ever want to.

Recently collared and struggling, like I have this entire time with BDSM and my role in it, I don't know what to do in this situation. I was raised to never censor myself. I do know how to be polite, but why should I? I know why I should be polite to Sir, that's respect. But when does He cross the line when asking me to be polite when I am upset to the point of crying, completly and totally outside of a scene, and expressing my feelings? What the hell is that?! Since when did I have to polite when expressing how I feel?!

He once said that He wanted me to be myself, as long as I was respectful. Well, what if the way I said how I felt was respectful to me? What if the way I said it was respectful to the way I wanted to say it? I dont understand. How do I be respectful to him, and still get what I want said without becoming a doormat?

I know life isn't fair, but this really isn't fair. Am I just being a petulant child? Am I being bratty? Am I being disobedient? Why can't I find the answers when I need them?

Episode 29: Post Graduation

Much has changed since my last blog.

Graduation has come and gone. Good stuff. In fact, great stuff. Finally graduating and getting done with that era in my life was a load off my shoulders. A new one has been laid there instead. A few in fact.

Not having a licence and a car has become a huge problem. Not having them is a liability for me and getting a job. I need a job. I need to have the money to move out. And I have to move out. My mother is killing me. I can not stand hearing the same shit out of her mouth every day. Every time she repeats the same damn thing, makes me want to do it less and less.

On top of this, I have long since figured out things with Timothy. I do love him dearly (if you're reading this, know that it's true dear) and I don't want to see him get hurt. But I have also realized that it wouldn't really work with us. Whether he beleives it or not, we are too much alike in truth. It wouldn't work out. It could, but I wouldn't be satisfied and I doubt that he would either. Either way, we are still dear friends.

With all that said, I have found a good Dom for me. Unfortunatly, being the good submissive is proving difficult for me. I just keep seeming to put up road blocks for myself. Setting up these road blocks just cause myself more difficulty. He tells me to do something, something simple like just reading a poem off a peice of paper, and I tense up to the point where I find myself crying and later kneeling on the floor reciting the poem. I want to be his good little girl and obey, I want to serve, even eager to serve, and yet I find myself fighting it. I fight myself. I don't want to fight myself anymore. I want to find myself kneeling at his feet, this is my destiny, I know it, I want it and yet, for some reason, I can't seem to let myself have it. He says it's because I don't trust happiness. I'm not sure if that is the problem or if it is me. I guess we will find out.

Episode 28: My Cold, Lonely, Dark Soul

Ever been with someone for so long that you finally realize how permanent things could be and that scares you to the point where you start to find ways to get on the other persons nerves so He can do something to piss you off, justifying you leaving Him? I think I have come to this point. I am surrounded by those that love me, but I still feel as if I am the only one in a crowded room. I feel alone. I feel unneeded, and unwanted. And I know intellectually that I shouldn't, but in my heart, I do. I love Him, but I have no idea how to handle this. I do not know what to do and this frightens me. It chills me to my cold, lonely, dark soul.

Episode 27: Will you marry me?

Marriage. Every girls' dream, right? Not really. It may have been once upon a time, but the fairytale is over and I am not sure if it is the right thing for me. I may be in love with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? How do you really know if the love you are experiencing now is the real deal? I love him, I know I do.
It's just an extremly scary thought, eternity with one person. Which, it is interesting that I feel this way, seeing as I have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life. For someone with that fear, a guy that you are in love with asking if you would be with him for the rest of your life shouldn't make you fear that kind of commitment. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know he would stay with me. He has so far, even when I broke up with him to date someone else (Zac) and then came crawling back to him. He loves me no matter what I have said or done in the past. He loves me despite myself.
Maybe, just maybe, I should say yes to him. I do love him, and I know I don't want to be without him. I don't know though. Shouldn't it be obvious that if you love someone and you know that you don't want to be without them, that when they ask to marry you, you should accept? I think so. Maybe it was all too sudden for me. I don't know. All I know is, I do love him.

Episode 26: Ok, so maybe not the end, but it was an end to a peice of myself

Even though it was over a month ago, the pain is still real. I still think about him and everytime I look at him, it hurts again. I'm not sure how I will move on from this. Probably the same way I am getting over the father of my would-be-baby. Stop thinking and feeling anything for him. Unfortunatly, I am not sure if i can do that anymore. I opened a part of myself for him that had been closed off for years, it might take years for me to close it back again. I don't know. I am not sure I want to know. I just want to be able to look at him and not hurt everytime.
But, maybe that's not true either. Maybe, just maybe, if I can look at him and not think of what could have been or should have been, and not hurt all the way to my soul, then, maybe that would mean that I don't love him anymore. And that would be just as terrible as loving him and not having him. And I do love him, just as I still love Preston. There is nothing I can do about it.
So, until I am able to go a whole day without thinking of what me and Zac had been to each other, I will hurt and I will curse myself everytime, for being stupid enough to think that it could have worked between us. I knew the relationship was doomed from the beginning and yet I still went ahead and suffered another heartbreak.
I am wondering if I will ever make it through another heartbreak. There are far too many on my list. I guess that, even though everyone thinks that I am so tuff and shit, I am really not. Is that so bad? Or maybe I am tuff but I can still feal? I dont know, all I know is I love too easily for the people in this world. I am currently sitting next to one of the girls who I would have given my life for, I love her that much, and it's like we are strangers. It's as if that night in my bed meant nothing. And maybe, to her, it didn't. I'll never know.
I love too easily and too forcefully. Damnit! If I love you, you know it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So what do I do about it? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets me hurt over and over again.
And yet, I am still here. Albeit, with more than 5 new scars, but still here. I just wonder if my body can handle any more cuts and bruises.