Episode 29: Post Graduation

Much has changed since my last blog.

Graduation has come and gone. Good stuff. In fact, great stuff. Finally graduating and getting done with that era in my life was a load off my shoulders. A new one has been laid there instead. A few in fact.

Not having a licence and a car has become a huge problem. Not having them is a liability for me and getting a job. I need a job. I need to have the money to move out. And I have to move out. My mother is killing me. I can not stand hearing the same shit out of her mouth every day. Every time she repeats the same damn thing, makes me want to do it less and less.

On top of this, I have long since figured out things with Timothy. I do love him dearly (if you're reading this, know that it's true dear) and I don't want to see him get hurt. But I have also realized that it wouldn't really work with us. Whether he beleives it or not, we are too much alike in truth. It wouldn't work out. It could, but I wouldn't be satisfied and I doubt that he would either. Either way, we are still dear friends.

With all that said, I have found a good Dom for me. Unfortunatly, being the good submissive is proving difficult for me. I just keep seeming to put up road blocks for myself. Setting up these road blocks just cause myself more difficulty. He tells me to do something, something simple like just reading a poem off a peice of paper, and I tense up to the point where I find myself crying and later kneeling on the floor reciting the poem. I want to be his good little girl and obey, I want to serve, even eager to serve, and yet I find myself fighting it. I fight myself. I don't want to fight myself anymore. I want to find myself kneeling at his feet, this is my destiny, I know it, I want it and yet, for some reason, I can't seem to let myself have it. He says it's because I don't trust happiness. I'm not sure if that is the problem or if it is me. I guess we will find out.