Sit on Kinky Santa's Lap

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Episode 53: Fatal Wound on the Battlefield of Love

Today...today I feel like shit. I'm sure I don't feel as bad as my mother does, or even my father, today.

I found out today that my father has been having an online affair and wants a divorce. He says he still cares for my mother, but he no longer loves her. Monday was their 24th wedding anniversery. They've been married for 24 years. Twenty-four years of love and happiness and he wants to throw it away for someone he met online.

Damn! Doesn't that sound like the pot calling the kettle black, eh? *sigh*

*double sigh*

I may not always like my parents, but they've always been the constant in my life. I've always looked into the future and known they would be together, no doubt about it. But now....now nothing is certain.

My mother was slaughtered on the battlefield of love yesterday when he told her.

I was wounded today.

This whole thing doesn't make any sense.

Episode 52: Crying As I Type

I don't think I can continue on like this anymore. No matter what, I'm always just going to be second string. I was ok with that but I don't think I can do it anymore. No matter what, my problems, my feelings with always be put on hold for something else, whatever that is. It sucks feeling like this. I don't even know if there is a solution to this problem that leaves me feeling cared for, important, special and whole.

I feel so alone right now. I feel like I'm back in that crowded room, screaming and crying out for help...and no one even looks up from their own lives to acknowledge I am there.

Am I selfish for just wanting a break from this? Just a few weeks of things going right, with me actually doing something? Everything goes ok minuet by minuet when I just sit here and do nothing. But the moment I try to do something, nothing what-so-ever goes right.

I just want to be out of here, in Seattle already, wanted, needed...loved. I want to feel important. I want to come first, over everything else, not just when it's convenient, but when it's really important.

I want to feel like the little special fucking princess that I know I am.

Episode 51: No Doubt About It...I am PISSED

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Episode 50: Blur

Blur is the local gay bar/dance club. Last night was my second night there. This time we got there before the drag show (my first drag show too...lol). Trust me, I am so glad I was there for that. One of the entertainers....was....HOT!. That's all I'm going to say about that. :D

But, I went with my friend Stephanie and one of our friends went with us. Ok, so I'm bi, Steph's bi....Name Removed is.......straight, and we went to the gay club. Just begs for trouble doesn't it? *sigh* Well, I guess it was...for them. But I don't want to talk about their drama. For once, I wasn't a part of it and I thank the Goddess greatly for that small miracle.

After the drag show, Stephanie got me up on the stage to dance. Long story short, I ended up dancing on my own. Which was ok. Until I was joined by this random guy. I'm going to call him Desperado, we never spoke and I'll probably never get his name...which is fine by me.

At first I was grateful for Desperado joining me, so I wouldn't be dancing on stage, in front of an entire club full of people, alone. Until he started to dance behind me and I felt his cock, hard and erect, against my ass. Desperado, then did a steady rythem of dancing behind me and to my complete dismay....humping me. I fucking kid you not, he humped me!!!!

That's not all. I swear to you, I have never had someones tongue and mouth on so many places on my body at one time, WHILE I STILL CLOTHED!!!! I was wearing a tank top and my left shoulder blade and my shoulder got a freaking tongue bath....as did the inside of my ear, my lower back and I'm serious here.....my ass crack!!! Can you believe that shit?!?!?!!? He even had the audacity to take his cock out of his pants and rub it on my lower back!

*shocked face*

The REALLY bad thing about it....I was so bored because my friends were off having their drama that I considered Desperado's bizzareness as completely laughable entertainment. Deffinitly bizzare and if I was someone else I'm sure I'd be completely offended and would have smacked him or something...but I was too busy dancing, being entertained and laughing my ass off (for two hours) to do anything else.

But, ummm...yes, that was my second experience with Athens gay club, Blur.

WOO HOO!!!

*blank stare*

P.S.

Oh! And Name Removed...turns out he's bi. He made out with a gay guy, Kenneth. Sooooo totally hot. I could have sold pictures of the two of them dancing together and making out for $20 a pop...not to mention of I was selling them in poster size! *purrs* Pure wet dream material, I promise you

Episode 49: Relationship Update

It has been so long since I've really updated anything.

Back in Novemeber of '08 I started dating this guy, Blake, that I used to go to High School with. He graduated two years before me and the two years between his graduation he had been in the army, living in Dallas, Texas, then in Oklahoma with his wife/ex-wife and then he was stationed in Yakima (sp?), Washington. His wife/ex-wife, Bree, of course, moved with him.

They ended up splitting up. After they had been separated for a while, she announced that she was pregnant. She gave birth to two of the cutest twins. Blake's got three kids now. The twins and his son Landon from when he was 16. He never gets to see Landon, it's a little complicated. But, after he left Bree and they filed for divorce, he started dating this other girl, Kathleen. They were together for almost a year (yes, that means his entire relationship with his wife, from dating to marriage to separating wasn't that long) before he just packed up and moved back home, to Georgia. He was here for maybe a month before I found out he was home.

He was there on Halloween night. That was the first time I'd seen him in two years. I was still attracted to him. He's just one of those guys that you know it would be dangerous for you, emotionally, to get involved, but you still can't help it. I, obviously, couldn't help it.

I've been desperate to move out of my parents house and when he offered for me to move in with him, to share rent, I jumped on it. It was sometime after I agreed that we started getting closer. I never did move in with him. He lost the house he was renting, he couldn't afford the rent with the job he had and his other roommate from Washington just up and abandoning him. But we were hanging out a lot by then. He would come over to the house and we go horseback riding. There are some pictures floating around the internet of us sleeping on the couch together after one such ride. It was later that night that he asked me out. I accepted. I didn't want anything serious. I just wanted to have a little fun, a casual relationship.

I fell in love with him. It wasn't until a few days before my birthday (December 28th) that I realized that I did love him. I couldn't help it. I can still admit that, even after everything that has happened, he still treated me better than any other guy that I've ever been with, with one exception, but we're not going down that road.....though maybe we should...no, not right now. For most of our relationship, I spent every weekend at his new place. Every night, I went to sleep wrapped in his arms and I never felt so special as I did in those moments, or when we'd cuddle on the couch to watch a movie and he'd stroke my hair or just hold my hand. Or, one time, he stayed with me for two weeks straight, at my house, and going to bed wrapped in his arms and waking up next to him, legs and arms intertwined, blankets almost on the floor, day after day, night after night....will always be memories I will cherish. Soft kisses, the way he used to look at me, the way he used to rake his nails up and down my spine, depending on what he wanted to accomplish, the way he knew just how hard or how light to do it, the way he said he loved me....these are the things I'm trying so hard to not think about day after day, the things that haunt my dreams.

When I looked into the future, I saw it with him. I saw us, together, one day married, maybe, secretly, hopefully, with kids. These are the things that I didn't think I wanted anymore. After my last serious relationship a few years ago, I'd given up on that lame dream. I felt it was a childish and useless dream, the whole house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and dog. If it wasn't for Blake, I never would have realized that I do still want that. I do still want to get married one day. I do still want kids.

All of this was shattered again about a month ago. He left me with less than a 24 hour notice. He IMed me and told me he was moving to Texas to be with closer to his kids. He couldn't even come by the house to give me a proper goodbye. He just left the next day. Less than a week ago I found out he'd actually gone back to his wife. The divorce was never finalized and there will probably never be a paternity test. After losing Landon (no, he's still alive, he just can't go see him) he really wants Bree's kids to be his. He left me to go back to her and to raise kids that might not be his.

He made me believe he loved me and that he wanted to be with me in the same way that I wanted to be with him. I thought he was in it for the long haul. And he wasn't. And it hurts worse than I ever imagined.


I'm trying to figured out how to move on....I'm just not sure how. Some times I think I'll be alright, but there are other days, other times, like now, that just make me wonder, why should even bother. I will never understand why people have to lie to and betray others. I will never understand why we can't all be truthful and honest to each other. I just can't understand why anyone would ever have to feel the way I feel right now.

Episode 48: Escape

For the first time ever, I understand why people do drugs to escape. To escape the pain of living. To escape their lives.

I want an escape. I need an escape. I need a rewind button to unwind this mistake. It's the worst thing I think I have ever done to someone I deeply love, not to mention another human being.

How do you choose one love over another? Should you choose one love over another? What happens when you do and you realize you may have made the biggest mistake of your life? What happens when you know you've just made a huge mistake and you know it can't be made right again?

You need to escape.

I need to escape. I need to escape. I need to escape.