Episode 25: The End

This will be my last blog. When I thought that nothing could go wrong, it did. Life goal met though. I wanted to love at least one person with all that I am. I have done that now. How was I to know that it wouldn't be enough for him? I shouldn't be surpirsed though. I knew I wasn't good enough for him, but still, I can dream, right? I love him with everything that I am. I never lied to him. Everything that I ever said to him was true. I never lied to him about how I felt. Never. But what good did it do me? None. I still lost him. I guess the thing that I was meant to learn this lifetime, was that love just wasn't in the cards for me. And that knowledge is too much to bear. A true love was the only thing I ever wanted and I thought I had it. I would have gone through Hell and back for him and then he leaves me. He thought that I would be happier without him, but he never even stopped to think if that was true or not. I refuse to go on from here. This is the end. All I wanted was him. Just him. That's it. I was content with seeing him just at school. I would rather see him a little than not at all. I guess I found out how he felt on that. He is my heart, my soul, my very breath. But he's gone now. So where do I go from here?

Episode 24: Love is Death

The stage is set,
the script is known by all.
The audience is hushed,
the cast is waiting
with bated breath for the
two lovers to take their lives.
Little do they know,
the lovers have changed
the end.
Their love now ends
in a deeper betrayal.
They do not end their lives,
but he ends hers.

The audience is in awe,
in sympathy for her.
The cast is shocked.
A tear trails down
her face,
as her heart is breaking.

The classic love,
they thought to change,
still ends in tragedy.
She will die,
her heart is gone,
shattered at their feet.

He leaves her there,
alone,
to die.
She looks after him,
unable to speak.
She falls back
onto the floor,
her arms
outstreched towards him,
silently pleading for him
to return to her.
Hoping against hope,
that it was all a mistake.

There is no sound.
Everyone is watching,
waiting,
as she dies.
Though they do not hear,
on her final breath
are the words,
"I love you".

Episode 23: Crap

So, today I feel even worse than before. I am this close *holds thumb and index finger 1 millimeter apart* to having a nervous breakdown. Long periods of time with my family does that to me. So, of course, I had a minor break and I snapped at him. Of course I did. Of course I snapped at him because he is the most important person in my world and I am just pathetically stupid. And now I feel like crap because I took it all out in him. *crying* I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

P.S. If you are reading this, I'm too chiken shit to say it to you, but, I'm sorry.....

Episode 22: My Own Piece

The world is a dark, hateful place and I am living in my own special piece of it. There is no sun, there are no stars or a moon. There is just me and my pain. Every breath I take is a challenge, a fight, and I am tired of fighting. What do you do when you know what is wrong with you but have no idea how to fix it? Being me sucks, and I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to live in a place where you are reminded constantly of your short-comings and how what you are doing now could go bad later. I don't want to be in a place where I am forced to be someone that I am not. A place that when I do show the real me, I am told that I do not know who I am, that I am wrong and they are right about who I am. I do not want to be here, in this place of pain and darkness. I want to be in a place where the darkness is not one of malcontent and secrets, but the comforting nothingness that I once knew. I just want to run away, be somewhere else, anywhere else. Just run away and leave my problems behind me.....

Episode 21: Thanksgiving

So, today being Thanksgiving and all that jazz, I have decided to put down into....type, I guess, and say what I am thankful for. Now that I think about it, I think this will be the first year in the history of me that I have actually stopped and thought about it.
So, as much as I like to bitch about them all the time, I am thankful for my friends. The ones that really love me for who I am and would love me no matter what. Thankfully I know who that very small handfull of people are. I am thankful that they have been there for me when I needed them most, whether they knew it or not.
I am thankful for Zac. There is so much I could say about him and why I am thankful for him, but none of it can be put into words and still done any justice. I am thankful for Zac and his love.
I am thankful for this rain. For anyone reading this that is not a member of my real world, I live in Geordia and we are so close to a drought that it is not even funny. There are state wide water bans and people all over the state are currently performing water conservation acts. I am so thankful to the gods that we have rain today. We are actually getting rain. And not just a small shower, we have gotten a downpour. Since I have begun measuring this morning, maybe an hour ago, we have gotten 2 inches of rain. And it's still coming. Our land is flooded, but we don't care, we need this rain so bad. I am thankful for the rain.

Episode 20: Plans and PDA

Another thing that is putting me on edge are plans. I plan and plan, for ages, it seems like they are going to end up working out and then, in the end, something ends up happening and then my plans are ruined and nothing happens. It is driving me crazy. Every ones parents have this, "week in advance" thing, so I try to plan in advance and they in turn don't give an answer until the day before or the day of the event. What is the point to that? I am sick and tired of it. I just want one thing to go right for once. The last time something went 100% right was when me and Zac actually got together. It is becoming unacceptable to me. I want time with him where I can't get written up for PDA in the hallways. I love him and I just want to be able to show it without someone telling us not to be together.
Speaking of that, I hugged Zac in the hallway yesterday and my 3rd period teacher and Zac's 6th period teacher, Mrs. McGarity, told me that me and Zac needed to quit that or she would have to write us up! Since when did it become inappropriate to hug someone?

Episode 19: Jordan's Shit

So, it's been a while since I last really posted something. For some reason, there's not much to talk about. Well, I guess that's not true. Last Friday, me and my best friend Jordan had at it about stuff. The catalyst was when she tried to blackmail me into just telling mom that me and her were going to be bringing Zac to the house. I refused and neither Zac or Jordan ended up coming to the house. Bully for her. We had her favorite chicken enchilladas for dinner and she ended up with none! ha ha.....That stills makes me feel a little happy. Vindictive, I know, but still. I guess my "7 Deadly Sin" ends up being "pride" because I ended up not seeing Zac all weekend either. But I still managed to retain my anger at her as I IMed Zac instead of really talking to him, that is when he did get the time to IM me. But I really dont really want to start my internal rant on that.
So, anyways, back to Jordan and her shit. After she tried to blackmail me into that one, I finally snapped and had enough of her whinning. For the past 5 years, her main topic of conversation has been her ex-boyfriend, her one and only love, D.J. For the past 5 bloody years I have had to listen to her complain about how he doesn't really like her and how they will never be together and how badly she wants him and all that bull. Now, my thoughts on this is, if he didn't like her at all, he wouldn't sleep with her. And they have had more sex over the past years than I have over the past 2 years. Another of her whinning spells is that she "doesn't date". Want to know why? She has never actually stated it, but it's because she will always be single "just in case" he comes back and wants her. My thoughts on that, either get over him or SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
But, now she has one of our mutual friend talking about her and D.J., so now when I talk to her, she is talking about Jordan and D.J. too!!! The only good thing coming from that is our mutual friend is making her tell D.J. how she feels about him today. I've been trying to get that damn child to talk to him 5 fucking years and now she is finally going to do it. But this good thing could also become a bad thing. If he says yes and they start dating, then there is always the possibilty that she gets annoyed with being in a real relationship and she ends it, and they hopefully still have sex (I only hope that so she wont whine to me about how he wont fuck her anymore) or he could turn her away and stop fucking her. Either would be a bad thing, because she would have something else about D.J. to complain about. I can not take the complaints anymore. Maybe if the complaints were about something else....But, I'll never know. IT IS ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT!!!
Her other topic of conversation is her family. Now, I can understand why this is one of her main topics of conversation, seeing how bad her family life as been, a drunk mother, a fucked up brother. But once she says the same things over and over and over again, "My mom's a bitch", "We have no money", and "Mom is SUCH a bitch", it begins to get annoying as hell. You're only reply to it all becomes "yeah, I know" and then she gets pissy when you have nothing else to say. It begins to annoy. And there is nothing you can do about it. It will just annoy you until you snap and slap the shit out of her, that or just knock her on her ass. Haven't decided which would be better.
And re-reading this, another thing about her that is annoying, the only person around her that is allowed to be in a pissy mood, without her making a joke of it, is her. If you get in a pissy mood or attitude with her, she gets angry with you and snaps and just about tries to kill you with words. How dare she?! She is not the only person around that has a hard life, but why is she the only one that is allowed to show it? That is REALLY getting on my nerves.
She came over last night and started messing with my tarot cards, to find out about her and D.J. because she was afraid that her own cards lied to her ( she curses the gods, seriously, to much for them to pay her any heed ). What the hell?! And even when the reading turned out to be good for her and D.J., she still complained and whinned about it!!!! This girl is seriously trying to kill me, and I am now just trying to find a way to kill her first.

Episode 18: I'm a Y!Messenger Power User

Episode 17: My Blogs

Have you ever felt that everyone is against you? Well, I do. Right now. I do my best not to irrate my friends with how I feel for him, and yet the few times I do say something about it, they bite my fucking head off for it. Where is the justice in that? I don't understand where some of her (not singular, just grammatically correct) feelings are coming from on this. For the most part, I do not voice my opinions on him except to him. I tell him how I feel all the time, and maybe I tell him that much because I can't talk about it with Jordan or Alexandra or Becca, or maybe I tell him that much because I just can not stop telling him. :) Who knows? But I guess the point here is, I do love him and I do not want to irrate everyone by talking about him all the time, but I should not have to not talk about it. There should not be a problem with me talking about him, but, for some reason there is one. And I do not understand that.

I do want more time with him, but is that really a crime? I mean, I only really voice that to him and in my blogs. So, if my blogs offend them, why should I have to suffer for that? They are the ones that read it, I didn't ask them too and I certainly did not write it for them to go read it. As I have said before, my blog is where I get to rant about whatever is on my mind, and if I ever post anything I think they would be interested in reading (not often), I let them know that I posted something new. So, should the blame be placed on me for writing the damn blog, or on the one who read it?

Episode 16: Rant Number 4

Someone please tell me why the cruelest things happen to the nicest people? Or is that the nicest ones are formed by his/her past? Either way, why does it have to happen? There is so much that this world has to offer, why is that the negative always out-weighes the good? It's not fair. No one deserves some of the stuff that has happened to those around me. What is the point to some of the mindless cruelty that occurs to innocent people? It just pisses me off to no end that the most important people in my life have led mis-used and abused lives due to the ones that they can not escape, their parents, the adults in their lives. It is a major mis-use of time, authority and power. It is beyond rediculous. But what is even worse, though it is an abuse of the authority position of the aforementioned adult, nothing can be done, legally. The child is stuck until there can be real proff that something wrong is happening. And even then, it can still go wrong. Has anyone seen or heard of some of the crap that goes on in the foster care system? If not, you don't want to, unless any of this has made you curious you can go to following link to see examples of what is happening to America's children after the previous abuse of the parents. Can some one please just explain the point to causeing everyone else pain? Why?

http://www.cwla.org/voice/0509children.htm

Episode 15: Time

The impossibility of somethings is dishearting. I know I don't have it as bad as some of those around me, but it still sucks. Is time alone with someone so hard to come by? Why should it be? It's such a simple thing that it doesn't seem that it should be all that difficult to come by. And yet, it is difficult. And it is going to drive me crazy. I love him so much and I never want to be without him, but I know that that is not possible. There has to be time that we are apart because the world never works simply. *sigh* Time is such a glorious thing but there never seems to be enough of it.
The time I have with him is always so short, but is so amazing that it feels like it goes on forever, that it will never end. And then, when it does end, I feel as if my heart will break. I just want to spend eternity in his arms. He is my heart, my soul, my world and I never have enough time to spend with him. I would kill to just be with him for 24 hours without real interuption. All my time with him is treasured, but, call me greedy, I want more.

Episode 14: Do You Know?

Do you know how I love you?
Do you know that I
would throw it all away for just one
glimpse of your face?
Do you know that my
thoughts are filled with your sweet
voice,
your tender words?
Do you know that at the
first sign of danger,
I would take your place,
content only in knowing that
you are safe?
Do you know that everything
I do, I do for you?
Do you know that you are
my sun, my sky,
the very air I breath?
Do you know that you are
my heart, my soul, my everything?
Do you know how muchI truly care for you?
Do you know how much
I truly would do for you?
Do you know how much
I truly would give for you?
Do you know how I love you?




I love you Zac!

Episode 13: Yellowcard - Only One

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Rojm9G9u9Zg



You are my only one Zac. I love you for now and forever. Until my dying day.

Episode 12: Excitement II

Well, today has been the most eventful day of my life. I made the dicision to not be a fucking pansy, and what do I get? Everything. He is the most important person in my life. I love him. I have never been happier than I am when I am with him. He's everything I have been looking for. It's just taken me 17 years to find him. Why does it take so long for two people to find each other? Why does fate place them so far away from each other? Oh wait, I know the answer. Nevermind. And the answer for those curious few who don't know, fate places two halves of a soul apart, so that those two halves can grow and learn from it. Sometimes, without those experiences, we never become who we are meant to be. I am glad that we have found each other.
I love him, beyond words. Every second without him is agony. I love him, completly and without a doubt.

Episode 11: Excitement

YAY ME!!! I told him how I felt...and go me, he felt the same. So, I give myself major kudos for having enough nerve to actually tell him. I have never been so excited in my entire life!!!

Episode 10: Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iBi3iltquH4

I love this song but I have new reasons now that are all my own.......

Episode 9: Wisdom

Alright, I have had some wisdom yelled into me this afternoon/evening. Life is about taking chances. And I am going to take one. I like someone, and after careful nervousness and debating, i am going to throw caution to the wind and do as my good friend told me, "just go with the flow". So, I am going to go with the flow and ask the object of my affections out tomorrow and see if the shit hits the fan.

Episode 8: All Around Me by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed


for my own reasons, this song has a lot of meaning to me

Episode 7: Ramblings 1

So, I had one of the best, if not the best, weekend of my life this past weekend. And it's not like i did anything spectacular or news worthy. I just hung out with some of the most important people in my life. And sometimes I wonder as to how quickly one of those have become that important to me. Why does fate hand us things which we can never understand? I know I keep saying over and over again in my previous blogs that love is the point to everything. And why is it that hundreds of people look at porn or try and veiw people over webcams. I may be coming to the answer. They may be desperate. They may be anti-social, or abnormal(that's another thing, what is NORMAL?). But, I think most of all, they are lonely. They are alone. Being alone is the worst thing in the world. To be alone for too long brings all sorts of other trouble, self-doubt, uncertainty, nervousnous, the inability to interact well with others, and the worst of all, wanting it all to end, all the pain, all that self-laothing, all of it. Now, that might be completly off base, but that's how I have found it to be.
And, maybe I just had to fall for someone again to realize all this. Maybe everyone already knew all this. Who knows? All I know is what I know. I'm in deffinite like with someone, but what good does it do me? I can't do anything about it. And that is almost worst than the scars on my wrist. But not by much. What do you do when you like someone and there really isn't anything you can do about it? Love is grand, but unrequited love is worse than not having anyone in the first place.

Episode 6: Rant Number 3

Ok, so another branch of my rant from yesterday. Love and sex may be the main reasons to be here but I have come to realize that there are right ways to go about it and wrong ways to go about it. The wrong way is when you message someone over the internet, proposition them and then refuse to talk to them after you discover that they can not give you what you want. Or just using them to get what you want, and leaving them high and dry after you yourself are satisfied. What is the point??!! I have yet to discover the answer but I know that I am pissed with being proposition and then put down after I say no. Love and sex. Lovely things, if done right. Love can go wrong so fast. But why? Why does it have to? Why can't we just find that one person who makes our heart soar and be with them forever? Why cant love be reciprical, always? Because without the knowledge that pain brings, we would be nothing. But what is so bad about being nothing. Who really cares? Why can't love just be love and those who wish to live for something else just live for it?

Episode 5: Religion 1

Alright. The most debate topic in human history. Religion. I have had many people look down on my religion, Wicca, but more have been curious about it and asked natural and sometimes laughable questions. Tonight, however was the worst.

Before I came out of the closet, so to speak, about being Wiccan, I had been going to a Wednesday night Youth Group at Salem Baptist. My friend Cassie asked me to come a few years earlier and finding nothing to do, I agreed. I have been Wiccan for 5, almost 6, years now and by then I knew that it was something I truly believed in. No one else knew this, so I put up a front, seemingly like that of a homosexual still hiding his/her secret from the world. I went to the youth meetings for about 2 years. In my Freshman or Sophomore year, I decided it was time to stop pretending. I couldn't take it anymore. I told everyone and stopped going to Salem. Even though I am Wiccan, I am still friends with the youth leaders, Brody and Lauren. No one ever lectures me on my choice. No one ever says that what I am wrong, and under no un-certain circumstances has anyone ever preached to me trying to convince me that Wicca is wrong and that Christianity is right. Until tonight that is.

I was sitting in front of the computer, minding my own business when one of the family friends walks in from the barn. Lynn, then proceeds to talk to me about how my religion is bad and dangerous. She could have talked about this at any time if she had truly wanted to, but she decided that tonight would be best, all because my mother wasn't around to hear what she had to say. She then proceed to go on about how she had done research about Wicca. That she had found it dangerous. That, basically, it was crap. That people have done research and Christianity has been proven true. That it is the one true religion.

How dare she!!!! I am out of my mind with anger right now. I have never been so insulted in my entire life. The insolence of it. It just blows my mind that she said some of that shit to me. About my own religion. She did have the decency to admit that people are just people and some of the stuff done on the name of Christianity is horrific but that it was the peoples fault and shouldn't be held against the religion. And then she went on to say that people in Wicca are the same way. And I told her that that may be true but that is exactly why I am Solitary Wiccan. I wont give others the oppertunity to mess with my mind and my beliefs. Wicca is not a cult, and the only leaders I have are myself but more importantly, the Goddess and God. That is all that matters. I am not power-hungary so I do not have to worry about seancé troubles, possession and all that kind of crap. I worship my Lord and Lady. I worship Them in my own way, I am devouted to them and I do not need anyone to tell me how to do so. There is no "proper" way to do so, due to that, there is no reason as to why I should let myself be taken under someone elses wing and become brainwashed into doing what they say is the "one and only way" to worship Them. There is no danger in my religion. I know my limits and I have no desire to learn how to
"talk to the dead or raise the dead" as Lynn so wonderfully put it. I am a humble Wiccan and I know my limitations.

That being said, there is a difference between a Wiccan and a Witch. A witch is someone who does spellwork. I may be classified as a witch by some, but not to myself. I do minor casting, i.e. candle magic, tarot, dreamweaving but not much else that classifies itself as spellwork. My energy is spent mainly in meditation and and worshipping, often resulting in an offering to the gods. I am a Wiccan and I am not a Satanist. I am not full of myself and I do not wish to be involved in anything involving a circle of candles AKA a seancé, a calling of unknown spirits, a Ouiji board or inexperienced novices thinking they are the Goddess gift to the Craft. I am my own person. And I practice alone. I do help guide a few others, always telling them that how I do things is not the only way, and I offer them other ways to go about doing whatever they are trying to do. I very rarely ask for help with my studies, occasionaly writing a few different High Priestess/High Priests and then choosing how it should be done based on thier replies. I am not a weakling to be taken along for the metaphorical ride. And I do not appreciate being treated so.

I am Wiccan.

Episode 4: Musings 2

So, I have just decided that gay guys, 100% turn me the fuck on!!! They are hot together. Seriously, have you ever looked at two guys together? HOT!!!! The hottest thing ever is the way two guys who totally feel for each other, holding hands, softly kissing or just glancing at each other and sharing a secret smile. SO CUTE!

It angers me when people say that guys shouldn't be together. I mean, why shouldn't something so beautiful be allowed to be together? Completly not fair. I mean, two guys together or two girls together, both create pictures as lovely as those of heterosexual couples. Why can't such beauty be allowed to be together? Why do people insist on destroying all the beauty of this world? There isn't all that much more left, why destroy what little there is?

Episode 3: Rant Number 2

Alright, so why the fuck can't guys just take a hint?!?! No is no. You ask for my number, I say no, and you bug me for another hour trying to convince me that I should be a complete idiot and give my number to you, some stranger over the interent! Yeah, right. Did you know that the deffinition of crazy is someone who does the same thing over and over agian expecting to get different results. I am not crazy anymore. Ask me for my number and I will refer you to this blog. So QUIT FUCKING ASKING!!!

Episode 2: Musings 1

So, today in 4th period I was talking to Zack and Josh about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. We had been joking around and then I told them that I actually wanted to be a strip club owner. This is when Josh tells me that all the women I would employ would be afraid of me, thinking that I would come in and molest them. Laughing, I told him that I would be hiring only guys, he then said that all my guys would be afraid of me, thinking that I would molest them. So, apparently I seem like the kind of person to molest someone. When I asked Zack if he agreed, and he didn't. So either Josh is wierd or Zack is. We'll find out. i then told them that I already have a guy that had agreed to come dance in my club if his basketball career doesn't work(he'll be working for me..lol)

Josh then said that he could see me as a Dominatrix. I liked that idea, until they said that I would need 20" -24" heels/boots to pull it off. I told them that it wouldn't matter how tall the person was when they held the whip in their hand. But then I told them that 5"-6" would be fine too. They finally consented when we found out how tall I would be then.




But just for those that want to know. The club name will be Guilty Pleasures. I am not going to give the club motto (yes there is a club motto already) due to me being paranoid and not wanting it stolen before I can get the club open. I will let everyone know where the club opens once the location is decided.

Episode 1: Rant Number 1

Alright. First of all. What the hell is the point to a webcam? There isn't one. Seeing isn't touching and looking at something over and over and never able to touch, NOT SATISFYING!!! So why would you want to do it? If you just want to look at naked people, go look at porn and STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE A FUCKING CAM!!!!!! Another thing, why do people think porn is so bad??? People want to look and people want money for it. End of transaction. Why does it bother people so much? If you don't like, then don't look! End of discussion.
Same goes for those who think that gays are disgusting and shouldn't be allowed to be together, that it is un-natural. TAKE A LOOK AROUND! Is the computer natural? Is the television natural? Is the lightbulb natural? Is the car natural? No. Of those things are things occuring in nature, sex, the instinct drawing one person towards another, is the most natural of all things.