Episode 12: Excitement II

Well, today has been the most eventful day of my life. I made the dicision to not be a fucking pansy, and what do I get? Everything. He is the most important person in my life. I love him. I have never been happier than I am when I am with him. He's everything I have been looking for. It's just taken me 17 years to find him. Why does it take so long for two people to find each other? Why does fate place them so far away from each other? Oh wait, I know the answer. Nevermind. And the answer for those curious few who don't know, fate places two halves of a soul apart, so that those two halves can grow and learn from it. Sometimes, without those experiences, we never become who we are meant to be. I am glad that we have found each other.
I love him, beyond words. Every second without him is agony. I love him, completly and without a doubt.

Episode 11: Excitement

YAY ME!!! I told him how I felt...and go me, he felt the same. So, I give myself major kudos for having enough nerve to actually tell him. I have never been so excited in my entire life!!!

Episode 10: Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iBi3iltquH4

I love this song but I have new reasons now that are all my own.......

Episode 9: Wisdom

Alright, I have had some wisdom yelled into me this afternoon/evening. Life is about taking chances. And I am going to take one. I like someone, and after careful nervousness and debating, i am going to throw caution to the wind and do as my good friend told me, "just go with the flow". So, I am going to go with the flow and ask the object of my affections out tomorrow and see if the shit hits the fan.

Episode 8: All Around Me by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed


for my own reasons, this song has a lot of meaning to me

Episode 7: Ramblings 1

So, I had one of the best, if not the best, weekend of my life this past weekend. And it's not like i did anything spectacular or news worthy. I just hung out with some of the most important people in my life. And sometimes I wonder as to how quickly one of those have become that important to me. Why does fate hand us things which we can never understand? I know I keep saying over and over again in my previous blogs that love is the point to everything. And why is it that hundreds of people look at porn or try and veiw people over webcams. I may be coming to the answer. They may be desperate. They may be anti-social, or abnormal(that's another thing, what is NORMAL?). But, I think most of all, they are lonely. They are alone. Being alone is the worst thing in the world. To be alone for too long brings all sorts of other trouble, self-doubt, uncertainty, nervousnous, the inability to interact well with others, and the worst of all, wanting it all to end, all the pain, all that self-laothing, all of it. Now, that might be completly off base, but that's how I have found it to be.
And, maybe I just had to fall for someone again to realize all this. Maybe everyone already knew all this. Who knows? All I know is what I know. I'm in deffinite like with someone, but what good does it do me? I can't do anything about it. And that is almost worst than the scars on my wrist. But not by much. What do you do when you like someone and there really isn't anything you can do about it? Love is grand, but unrequited love is worse than not having anyone in the first place.

Episode 6: Rant Number 3

Ok, so another branch of my rant from yesterday. Love and sex may be the main reasons to be here but I have come to realize that there are right ways to go about it and wrong ways to go about it. The wrong way is when you message someone over the internet, proposition them and then refuse to talk to them after you discover that they can not give you what you want. Or just using them to get what you want, and leaving them high and dry after you yourself are satisfied. What is the point??!! I have yet to discover the answer but I know that I am pissed with being proposition and then put down after I say no. Love and sex. Lovely things, if done right. Love can go wrong so fast. But why? Why does it have to? Why can't we just find that one person who makes our heart soar and be with them forever? Why cant love be reciprical, always? Because without the knowledge that pain brings, we would be nothing. But what is so bad about being nothing. Who really cares? Why can't love just be love and those who wish to live for something else just live for it?

Episode 5: Religion 1

Alright. The most debate topic in human history. Religion. I have had many people look down on my religion, Wicca, but more have been curious about it and asked natural and sometimes laughable questions. Tonight, however was the worst.

Before I came out of the closet, so to speak, about being Wiccan, I had been going to a Wednesday night Youth Group at Salem Baptist. My friend Cassie asked me to come a few years earlier and finding nothing to do, I agreed. I have been Wiccan for 5, almost 6, years now and by then I knew that it was something I truly believed in. No one else knew this, so I put up a front, seemingly like that of a homosexual still hiding his/her secret from the world. I went to the youth meetings for about 2 years. In my Freshman or Sophomore year, I decided it was time to stop pretending. I couldn't take it anymore. I told everyone and stopped going to Salem. Even though I am Wiccan, I am still friends with the youth leaders, Brody and Lauren. No one ever lectures me on my choice. No one ever says that what I am wrong, and under no un-certain circumstances has anyone ever preached to me trying to convince me that Wicca is wrong and that Christianity is right. Until tonight that is.

I was sitting in front of the computer, minding my own business when one of the family friends walks in from the barn. Lynn, then proceeds to talk to me about how my religion is bad and dangerous. She could have talked about this at any time if she had truly wanted to, but she decided that tonight would be best, all because my mother wasn't around to hear what she had to say. She then proceed to go on about how she had done research about Wicca. That she had found it dangerous. That, basically, it was crap. That people have done research and Christianity has been proven true. That it is the one true religion.

How dare she!!!! I am out of my mind with anger right now. I have never been so insulted in my entire life. The insolence of it. It just blows my mind that she said some of that shit to me. About my own religion. She did have the decency to admit that people are just people and some of the stuff done on the name of Christianity is horrific but that it was the peoples fault and shouldn't be held against the religion. And then she went on to say that people in Wicca are the same way. And I told her that that may be true but that is exactly why I am Solitary Wiccan. I wont give others the oppertunity to mess with my mind and my beliefs. Wicca is not a cult, and the only leaders I have are myself but more importantly, the Goddess and God. That is all that matters. I am not power-hungary so I do not have to worry about seancé troubles, possession and all that kind of crap. I worship my Lord and Lady. I worship Them in my own way, I am devouted to them and I do not need anyone to tell me how to do so. There is no "proper" way to do so, due to that, there is no reason as to why I should let myself be taken under someone elses wing and become brainwashed into doing what they say is the "one and only way" to worship Them. There is no danger in my religion. I know my limits and I have no desire to learn how to
"talk to the dead or raise the dead" as Lynn so wonderfully put it. I am a humble Wiccan and I know my limitations.

That being said, there is a difference between a Wiccan and a Witch. A witch is someone who does spellwork. I may be classified as a witch by some, but not to myself. I do minor casting, i.e. candle magic, tarot, dreamweaving but not much else that classifies itself as spellwork. My energy is spent mainly in meditation and and worshipping, often resulting in an offering to the gods. I am a Wiccan and I am not a Satanist. I am not full of myself and I do not wish to be involved in anything involving a circle of candles AKA a seancé, a calling of unknown spirits, a Ouiji board or inexperienced novices thinking they are the Goddess gift to the Craft. I am my own person. And I practice alone. I do help guide a few others, always telling them that how I do things is not the only way, and I offer them other ways to go about doing whatever they are trying to do. I very rarely ask for help with my studies, occasionaly writing a few different High Priestess/High Priests and then choosing how it should be done based on thier replies. I am not a weakling to be taken along for the metaphorical ride. And I do not appreciate being treated so.

I am Wiccan.

Episode 4: Musings 2

So, I have just decided that gay guys, 100% turn me the fuck on!!! They are hot together. Seriously, have you ever looked at two guys together? HOT!!!! The hottest thing ever is the way two guys who totally feel for each other, holding hands, softly kissing or just glancing at each other and sharing a secret smile. SO CUTE!

It angers me when people say that guys shouldn't be together. I mean, why shouldn't something so beautiful be allowed to be together? Completly not fair. I mean, two guys together or two girls together, both create pictures as lovely as those of heterosexual couples. Why can't such beauty be allowed to be together? Why do people insist on destroying all the beauty of this world? There isn't all that much more left, why destroy what little there is?

Episode 3: Rant Number 2

Alright, so why the fuck can't guys just take a hint?!?! No is no. You ask for my number, I say no, and you bug me for another hour trying to convince me that I should be a complete idiot and give my number to you, some stranger over the interent! Yeah, right. Did you know that the deffinition of crazy is someone who does the same thing over and over agian expecting to get different results. I am not crazy anymore. Ask me for my number and I will refer you to this blog. So QUIT FUCKING ASKING!!!

Episode 2: Musings 1

So, today in 4th period I was talking to Zack and Josh about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. We had been joking around and then I told them that I actually wanted to be a strip club owner. This is when Josh tells me that all the women I would employ would be afraid of me, thinking that I would come in and molest them. Laughing, I told him that I would be hiring only guys, he then said that all my guys would be afraid of me, thinking that I would molest them. So, apparently I seem like the kind of person to molest someone. When I asked Zack if he agreed, and he didn't. So either Josh is wierd or Zack is. We'll find out. i then told them that I already have a guy that had agreed to come dance in my club if his basketball career doesn't work(he'll be working for me..lol)

Josh then said that he could see me as a Dominatrix. I liked that idea, until they said that I would need 20" -24" heels/boots to pull it off. I told them that it wouldn't matter how tall the person was when they held the whip in their hand. But then I told them that 5"-6" would be fine too. They finally consented when we found out how tall I would be then.




But just for those that want to know. The club name will be Guilty Pleasures. I am not going to give the club motto (yes there is a club motto already) due to me being paranoid and not wanting it stolen before I can get the club open. I will let everyone know where the club opens once the location is decided.

Episode 1: Rant Number 1

Alright. First of all. What the hell is the point to a webcam? There isn't one. Seeing isn't touching and looking at something over and over and never able to touch, NOT SATISFYING!!! So why would you want to do it? If you just want to look at naked people, go look at porn and STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE A FUCKING CAM!!!!!! Another thing, why do people think porn is so bad??? People want to look and people want money for it. End of transaction. Why does it bother people so much? If you don't like, then don't look! End of discussion.
Same goes for those who think that gays are disgusting and shouldn't be allowed to be together, that it is un-natural. TAKE A LOOK AROUND! Is the computer natural? Is the television natural? Is the lightbulb natural? Is the car natural? No. Of those things are things occuring in nature, sex, the instinct drawing one person towards another, is the most natural of all things.