Episode 36: At A Crossroads

I've made mistakes in my life. Some good, some bad, some terrible. It's the bad and terrible ones that I worry about. They are the ones that keep me up at night, thinking about. I think about the what-if's. What if I had done this, what if I had done that.

It's almost 6 in the morning. I've been up thinking about my recent mistakes. I hesitate to call them mistakes...but, essentially that's what they are. I have learned from them, so I guess one could say that they were for a good cause. I just don't know what to do now about them/it. I try to abide my by spiritual beliefs sacred law, An' it harm none, do as ye will. Breaking hearts doesn't really coincide well with that, and I'm afraid that the only way to fix some of these mistakes is to break some hearts. I feel like I am at a crossroads, standing there, staring down both paths, wondering which is the better path.

A new friend of mine said that it sounded like I had lost respect for him, and that might be true. I don't like to think that that is true. Another friend has told me that maybe writing down everything I have a problem with and then going throug the list and figuring out ways to solve those particular problems, as if I am the only one in the relationship that would be working to solve the problems (as I believe I am, as the problems lie with me). I'm not sure if that will work (to you whom suggested this: don't yell at me, I'll do it soon, I promise), but I am willing to try.

I don't want to just give up on this. I really do care about this person and I don't want to cause any unnecassary pain. But I guess the fact is, at this moment in time, I'm not happy anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to be happy about this again. I'm just running out of ways to do this.

In the past month I have learned that I am disrespectful, bitchy, bratty, clingy, needy and utterly lost.

Finding my way home,

Slave Belle Morte

Episode 35: The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

*My other favorite poem*

Episode 34: Meeting the Master by Elisa Wald

Meeting the Master

"Beware the fury of a patient man."
John Dryden

I dreamt you had the patience of a prayer:
You let me memorize your open hand
Before you closed a fist around my hair.

I read a warning written down somewhere:
"Beware the fury of a patient man."
I dreamed you had the patience of a prayer.

I'll swear to the truth if you'll take a dare,
Plead guilty if you'll force me to the stand,
And close a knowing fist around my hair.

Yours is the rhythm of a rocking chair:
Steady as an hourglass spilling sand,
I dreamed your patience would make saints despair.

I've yearned to cringe beneath your level stare.
My wish had been to be at your command---
To kiss the iron fist around my hair.

I've waiting for years, searching everywhere,
But only you have made me understand:
Patience in a slave is itself a prayer,
And answered by your fist around my hair.

*One of my favorite poems*

Episode 33: I cried today

I was surfing the profiles of some of my friends today on one of my favorite websites when I came across this picture that made me cry. It wasn't that it was a sad picture because it wasn't. It was the intensity of the love protrayed in this one simple picture. It took my breath away and yet again...reminded me of what I truly want. A love to call my own. Damnit, I'm crying again thinking about it.

I want someone who is dominant to me, an experienced Dom/Top/Master/ect., and yet, I also want that person to also be able to have an exclusive relationship with me.

Where I am now in my life, it seems I want the impossible.

Episode 32: The Doktor's Laws of Good BDSM

These Laws are based on my extensive personal experiences, and also from noting the waning and waxing popularity of various other guidelines and rules meant to preserve the practicality and humanity of this thing we call BDSM, Kink, or Fetish. (Or more precisely, how catchy we think the resulting acronym is.) I have concluded these as my personal Laws. Therefore, these Laws need only apply to those persons who have equal or greater levels of intelligence, charisma, skill, sensitivity and quality of personal hygiene. ...oh yeah, a little humility doesn't hurt either.

The Laws

1.) I am the Dominant, it's all my fault.

2.) I am the Dominant, I make the rules.

3.) You are the submissive, you make the choices.

4.) You are the submissive, you have to tell me. (I only pretend to be a mind reader.)

5.) It's the fun stupid.

Some notes on these Laws

On the Order of The Laws:

The order in which the Laws are listed is merely for emphasis, all the Laws are of equal importance. Also, it's fun to quiz your submissive on the order, constantly switch the first two no matter what answer they give, and spank them soundly for not remembering.

On Exceptions:

None. Not happening. No exceptions ever. It's not the Ten Commandments, Sharia Law, or even The Dietary Requirements of the Buddha that are the source of all misery on this planet; it's the little exceptions people keep trying to inject. e.g., "Thou shalt not kill... unless it's an infidel of course, or a menstruating woman who ventures outside the red tent, or say some poor shmoe that hit a sacred cow with his Toyota pick-up."

On Titular Semantics:

Wherein the terms Dominant and submissive do not apply for any reason whatsoever, transpose the appropriate terms as desired. e. g., Dominant may be replaced with Top, Mistress, Master, Goddess, Mommy, Daddy, Doctor, Grandpa, Bubbie, Lord, Lady, Excellency, Majesty, Darth Sidius, Your Holiness, or (my personal favorite) Grand High Poo Bah. And yes, submissive and slave are interchangeable as well, if you can't get that, please get a life.

On Interpretation of the Laws:

If you feel these Laws need to be explained or elaborated on in any way, please consider taking an adult literacy class. The Laws are simple, all encompassing, and brutally straightforward for a reason. And that reason is that lawyers already have enough money and influence; fuck 'em, this is one set of Laws they should keep their hands off.


***This was written by my good friend, Doktor Spankentsein***

Episode 31: I am a brat

I am a brat. I didn't really think that I was a brat until Master forced me to see it. Being a brat was never my intention. But I guess that's what I am. Or maybe the reason I seem more of a brat as of late is becuase of the fact that I am exhausted. I've been staying up all night into the early morning hours in the hopes that I can talk to Master, talking to him for a few hours and then repeating the whole process. Sometimes I get a short 2 or 3 hour nap each day, but more often than not, I don't sleep at all. Lack of sleep not only puts me in a perpetual bad mood but it weakens my immune system and is probably why I'm still a little sick from 3 weeks ago.

In any case, we've come way too close to terminating the relationship as it is too many times. I know that it's all my fault. And even knowing this, I can't figure out how to fix this or if it can be fixed. Maybe I just need to be beaten back into place. Or maybe I need to be beaten into place for the first time. I don't know. I feel like I cause him an extreme amount of unecassary pain and stress.

If you are reading this, and I do cause you unnecassary pain and stress, then maybe I should turn in my collar. I don't want to cause you anymore pain, you don't need to have to deal with my crap all the time. Even though I love you, I cause more stress than I'm worth. I promise I wont be upset. It's just, I know that you have more than enough to deal with, without having to deal with me.

Episode 30: Respect Vs. The Doormat

When does compromise of self expression become the re-wiring for a doormat? I'm not sure I have this answer or if I ever want to.

Recently collared and struggling, like I have this entire time with BDSM and my role in it, I don't know what to do in this situation. I was raised to never censor myself. I do know how to be polite, but why should I? I know why I should be polite to Sir, that's respect. But when does He cross the line when asking me to be polite when I am upset to the point of crying, completly and totally outside of a scene, and expressing my feelings? What the hell is that?! Since when did I have to polite when expressing how I feel?!

He once said that He wanted me to be myself, as long as I was respectful. Well, what if the way I said how I felt was respectful to me? What if the way I said it was respectful to the way I wanted to say it? I dont understand. How do I be respectful to him, and still get what I want said without becoming a doormat?

I know life isn't fair, but this really isn't fair. Am I just being a petulant child? Am I being bratty? Am I being disobedient? Why can't I find the answers when I need them?