Episode 36: At A Crossroads

I've made mistakes in my life. Some good, some bad, some terrible. It's the bad and terrible ones that I worry about. They are the ones that keep me up at night, thinking about. I think about the what-if's. What if I had done this, what if I had done that.

It's almost 6 in the morning. I've been up thinking about my recent mistakes. I hesitate to call them mistakes...but, essentially that's what they are. I have learned from them, so I guess one could say that they were for a good cause. I just don't know what to do now about them/it. I try to abide my by spiritual beliefs sacred law, An' it harm none, do as ye will. Breaking hearts doesn't really coincide well with that, and I'm afraid that the only way to fix some of these mistakes is to break some hearts. I feel like I am at a crossroads, standing there, staring down both paths, wondering which is the better path.

A new friend of mine said that it sounded like I had lost respect for him, and that might be true. I don't like to think that that is true. Another friend has told me that maybe writing down everything I have a problem with and then going throug the list and figuring out ways to solve those particular problems, as if I am the only one in the relationship that would be working to solve the problems (as I believe I am, as the problems lie with me). I'm not sure if that will work (to you whom suggested this: don't yell at me, I'll do it soon, I promise), but I am willing to try.

I don't want to just give up on this. I really do care about this person and I don't want to cause any unnecassary pain. But I guess the fact is, at this moment in time, I'm not happy anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to be happy about this again. I'm just running out of ways to do this.

In the past month I have learned that I am disrespectful, bitchy, bratty, clingy, needy and utterly lost.

Finding my way home,

Slave Belle Morte