Even though it was over a month ago, the pain is still real. I still think about him and everytime I look at him, it hurts again. I'm not sure how I will move on from this. Probably the same way I am getting over the father of my would-be-baby. Stop thinking and feeling anything for him. Unfortunatly, I am not sure if i can do that anymore. I opened a part of myself for him that had been closed off for years, it might take years for me to close it back again. I don't know. I am not sure I want to know. I just want to be able to look at him and not hurt everytime.
But, maybe that's not true either. Maybe, just maybe, if I can look at him and not think of what could have been or should have been, and not hurt all the way to my soul, then, maybe that would mean that I don't love him anymore. And that would be just as terrible as loving him and not having him. And I do love him, just as I still love Preston. There is nothing I can do about it.
So, until I am able to go a whole day without thinking of what me and Zac had been to each other, I will hurt and I will curse myself everytime, for being stupid enough to think that it could have worked between us. I knew the relationship was doomed from the beginning and yet I still went ahead and suffered another heartbreak.
I am wondering if I will ever make it through another heartbreak. There are far too many on my list. I guess that, even though everyone thinks that I am so tuff and shit, I am really not. Is that so bad? Or maybe I am tuff but I can still feal? I dont know, all I know is I love too easily for the people in this world. I am currently sitting next to one of the girls who I would have given my life for, I love her that much, and it's like we are strangers. It's as if that night in my bed meant nothing. And maybe, to her, it didn't. I'll never know.
I love too easily and too forcefully. Damnit! If I love you, you know it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So what do I do about it? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets me hurt over and over again.
And yet, I am still here. Albeit, with more than 5 new scars, but still here. I just wonder if my body can handle any more cuts and bruises.
Signing Off
5 weeks ago
1 comment:
Sara i am sooo sorry i hurt u then. i didnt mean it and it did mean something to me but i wasnt ready for that and i wont be. at least not with anyone soon. im sorry u get hurt but that is the way of life. we get hurt but u have to find a way to pick urself up and start again. that is what makes us stronger. i understand who u feel about zac. i feel it too. it took me almost 3 years to get over him like that and stop thinking about him like that and thinking "what if's" and those kinds of questions. u just have to move on. (and this probably isnt helping :( ) *sighs* i am sorry.
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