Episode 39: Unnecessary Possessions

Oscar Wilde, a dandy’s dandy, once said that “we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” What unnecessary possession can you not live without?

So, I sat here for a while, thinking about this one. What unnecessary possession can I not live withou? At first I thought my laptop. But then I really thought about that. It's not true. I need my laptop for school (essays, term papers, research), for writing (Word, research), the internet (to connect, to friends and other lifestylers, to learn from them as I am unable to go to munches and parties right now, to job hunt, to amuse myself, to listen to music, to research, to check my bank account and pay a few bills) and therefore it is not an unnecessary possession.

Then I thought that some of my clothes were unnecessary, which this is true, but I'm just generalizing here, and clothes are necessaties where I come from. lol.

So, I glanced around my room. Pens? Necessary for writing. Paper? Necessary for writing. Books? Necessary for my (in)sanity. CDs? Necessary for my (in)sanity. Puppy? Necessary for daily playtimes. Stuffed animals? Necessary for cuddling and sleeping, especially when sleeping alone (as I always am). Blankies? Necessary for sleeping and nap time and the cold weather.

Those are the general things in my room. But! I have found two things that aren't really necessary. One is my skim board and two is my alter.

The skim board. I bought it 2 years or so ago. Now, on the east coast it's kind of difficult to surf so skim boarding is as close as I will ever get to surfing. But, I'm not really good at it. This could be because the board isn't the right size for me to evenly distribute my weight and therefore balance the board properly and because I have one of the cheap boards instead of one of the $120 beautiful ones that I want. Even so, this board is unnecessary in my life and yet, I can't live without it. I love this thing. Can't explain why, but I do. I thought about giving it to my little cousin who is better at skim boarding than me...couldn't do it. I couldn't part with the damn thing. For some reason, it is an unnecessary object that I can not live with out.

And my alter. Now, to a Pagen or Wiccan their alter is extremely important to their craft and necessary. Not to me. I don't necessarily need it. I could put everything away in a drawer and only bring it out when it's time for a ritual or holiday. And yet, it seems that I can't do that. It is necessary to me to have my alter out and pristine at all times. My alter is my ultimate, unnecessary possession that I can not live without.

Episode 38: Jobs, Drinks, Blood and Gore, and That Damned Wall

Written on the 23rd

So, I feel that today was a bust. I got up, put on work clothes (i.e. dress pants and a nice shirt), put on make-up because I "had a job interview" today. I wasn't told to come at any particular time. I had to go into town today with my parents. We went to Olive Garden for lunch, and then WalMart and then Dad finally took me over to Great Clips for the interview. When we got there, the manager was busy, so she just had me fill out an application and said she would call me and set up an appointment for an interview. I feel like I wasted my time. I hate dressing up and I hate make-up. Now, I know it was necessary and I don't want to hear that it was...but it just angers me. All that aside now and on to better things.

I have a party to go to this Friday. I'm going as a human kitten (hee hee)!!! I love Halloween. It's the perfect time for all us lifestylers/kinksters to show our true colors and none of the vanillas are any wiser (plus it's one of the most cooler of the Wiccan holidays). Brilliance! But, it should be fun. Lots of music and even more alcohol. I plan on getting shitfaced. I haven't gone drinking in a while and I am beyond excited about this opportunity.

I got my best friend and sister in Wicca to watch the Saw movies last weekend (even though I call the movies "torture porn" and she hates blood and gore) and now she is excited about the release of Saw V tomorrow. So, I'll be going to see it too!!!

I know this post seems random but most of them are.

On the topic of my slave hood. I recently had a minor scene on the phone. Or it should have been. It didn't stay that way. For months I teetered back and forth between compliance and defiance with the man that guided me and helped insure that my first, real-life experience went well (we'll call him: The Doctor). Now, I would be willing to accept that the reason I would rebel and put up a wall is because I don't really know and trust this person. But, it's not true. I, with all my heart, trust The Doctor, even love him. But for some reason I would still put up this wall when he would order me to do something simple, like kneel or talk about how I feel while playing. It was the not talking while playing that was our main problem. And that was my problem last night (not with The Doctor).

That cursed wall has gone back up. *claws desperately at wall* I WANT IT DOWN!!!!!!!

Episode 37: Love, Pain and Three's A Crowd

What do you do when you end up coming between two people that you care about? I never wanted to come between them, ever and yet, I somehow have. And I feel so bad about it. And yet, I don't think there is anyway to fix it and us all come out of it ok. I would be ok with it if they were able to fix things and I was left out. It's not my desire to hurt others just to make myself happy. I just want them to be happy again, even if I am left hurting. It's not fair to her to feel bad about how I feel about her Master and it's unfair to him to feel guilty that she and I are hurting....I just wish that life was easier.

Episode 36: At A Crossroads

I've made mistakes in my life. Some good, some bad, some terrible. It's the bad and terrible ones that I worry about. They are the ones that keep me up at night, thinking about. I think about the what-if's. What if I had done this, what if I had done that.

It's almost 6 in the morning. I've been up thinking about my recent mistakes. I hesitate to call them mistakes...but, essentially that's what they are. I have learned from them, so I guess one could say that they were for a good cause. I just don't know what to do now about them/it. I try to abide my by spiritual beliefs sacred law, An' it harm none, do as ye will. Breaking hearts doesn't really coincide well with that, and I'm afraid that the only way to fix some of these mistakes is to break some hearts. I feel like I am at a crossroads, standing there, staring down both paths, wondering which is the better path.

A new friend of mine said that it sounded like I had lost respect for him, and that might be true. I don't like to think that that is true. Another friend has told me that maybe writing down everything I have a problem with and then going throug the list and figuring out ways to solve those particular problems, as if I am the only one in the relationship that would be working to solve the problems (as I believe I am, as the problems lie with me). I'm not sure if that will work (to you whom suggested this: don't yell at me, I'll do it soon, I promise), but I am willing to try.

I don't want to just give up on this. I really do care about this person and I don't want to cause any unnecassary pain. But I guess the fact is, at this moment in time, I'm not happy anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to be happy about this again. I'm just running out of ways to do this.

In the past month I have learned that I am disrespectful, bitchy, bratty, clingy, needy and utterly lost.

Finding my way home,

Slave Belle Morte

Episode 35: The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

*My other favorite poem*

Episode 34: Meeting the Master by Elisa Wald

Meeting the Master

"Beware the fury of a patient man."
John Dryden

I dreamt you had the patience of a prayer:
You let me memorize your open hand
Before you closed a fist around my hair.

I read a warning written down somewhere:
"Beware the fury of a patient man."
I dreamed you had the patience of a prayer.

I'll swear to the truth if you'll take a dare,
Plead guilty if you'll force me to the stand,
And close a knowing fist around my hair.

Yours is the rhythm of a rocking chair:
Steady as an hourglass spilling sand,
I dreamed your patience would make saints despair.

I've yearned to cringe beneath your level stare.
My wish had been to be at your command---
To kiss the iron fist around my hair.

I've waiting for years, searching everywhere,
But only you have made me understand:
Patience in a slave is itself a prayer,
And answered by your fist around my hair.

*One of my favorite poems*

Episode 33: I cried today

I was surfing the profiles of some of my friends today on one of my favorite websites when I came across this picture that made me cry. It wasn't that it was a sad picture because it wasn't. It was the intensity of the love protrayed in this one simple picture. It took my breath away and yet again...reminded me of what I truly want. A love to call my own. Damnit, I'm crying again thinking about it.

I want someone who is dominant to me, an experienced Dom/Top/Master/ect., and yet, I also want that person to also be able to have an exclusive relationship with me.

Where I am now in my life, it seems I want the impossible.