Episode 26: Ok, so maybe not the end, but it was an end to a peice of myself

Even though it was over a month ago, the pain is still real. I still think about him and everytime I look at him, it hurts again. I'm not sure how I will move on from this. Probably the same way I am getting over the father of my would-be-baby. Stop thinking and feeling anything for him. Unfortunatly, I am not sure if i can do that anymore. I opened a part of myself for him that had been closed off for years, it might take years for me to close it back again. I don't know. I am not sure I want to know. I just want to be able to look at him and not hurt everytime.
But, maybe that's not true either. Maybe, just maybe, if I can look at him and not think of what could have been or should have been, and not hurt all the way to my soul, then, maybe that would mean that I don't love him anymore. And that would be just as terrible as loving him and not having him. And I do love him, just as I still love Preston. There is nothing I can do about it.
So, until I am able to go a whole day without thinking of what me and Zac had been to each other, I will hurt and I will curse myself everytime, for being stupid enough to think that it could have worked between us. I knew the relationship was doomed from the beginning and yet I still went ahead and suffered another heartbreak.
I am wondering if I will ever make it through another heartbreak. There are far too many on my list. I guess that, even though everyone thinks that I am so tuff and shit, I am really not. Is that so bad? Or maybe I am tuff but I can still feal? I dont know, all I know is I love too easily for the people in this world. I am currently sitting next to one of the girls who I would have given my life for, I love her that much, and it's like we are strangers. It's as if that night in my bed meant nothing. And maybe, to her, it didn't. I'll never know.
I love too easily and too forcefully. Damnit! If I love you, you know it. I wouldn't have it any other way. So what do I do about it? I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets me hurt over and over again.
And yet, I am still here. Albeit, with more than 5 new scars, but still here. I just wonder if my body can handle any more cuts and bruises.

Episode 25: The End

This will be my last blog. When I thought that nothing could go wrong, it did. Life goal met though. I wanted to love at least one person with all that I am. I have done that now. How was I to know that it wouldn't be enough for him? I shouldn't be surpirsed though. I knew I wasn't good enough for him, but still, I can dream, right? I love him with everything that I am. I never lied to him. Everything that I ever said to him was true. I never lied to him about how I felt. Never. But what good did it do me? None. I still lost him. I guess the thing that I was meant to learn this lifetime, was that love just wasn't in the cards for me. And that knowledge is too much to bear. A true love was the only thing I ever wanted and I thought I had it. I would have gone through Hell and back for him and then he leaves me. He thought that I would be happier without him, but he never even stopped to think if that was true or not. I refuse to go on from here. This is the end. All I wanted was him. Just him. That's it. I was content with seeing him just at school. I would rather see him a little than not at all. I guess I found out how he felt on that. He is my heart, my soul, my very breath. But he's gone now. So where do I go from here?

Episode 24: Love is Death

The stage is set,
the script is known by all.
The audience is hushed,
the cast is waiting
with bated breath for the
two lovers to take their lives.
Little do they know,
the lovers have changed
the end.
Their love now ends
in a deeper betrayal.
They do not end their lives,
but he ends hers.

The audience is in awe,
in sympathy for her.
The cast is shocked.
A tear trails down
her face,
as her heart is breaking.

The classic love,
they thought to change,
still ends in tragedy.
She will die,
her heart is gone,
shattered at their feet.

He leaves her there,
alone,
to die.
She looks after him,
unable to speak.
She falls back
onto the floor,
her arms
outstreched towards him,
silently pleading for him
to return to her.
Hoping against hope,
that it was all a mistake.

There is no sound.
Everyone is watching,
waiting,
as she dies.
Though they do not hear,
on her final breath
are the words,
"I love you".

Episode 23: Crap

So, today I feel even worse than before. I am this close *holds thumb and index finger 1 millimeter apart* to having a nervous breakdown. Long periods of time with my family does that to me. So, of course, I had a minor break and I snapped at him. Of course I did. Of course I snapped at him because he is the most important person in my world and I am just pathetically stupid. And now I feel like crap because I took it all out in him. *crying* I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

P.S. If you are reading this, I'm too chiken shit to say it to you, but, I'm sorry.....

Episode 22: My Own Piece

The world is a dark, hateful place and I am living in my own special piece of it. There is no sun, there are no stars or a moon. There is just me and my pain. Every breath I take is a challenge, a fight, and I am tired of fighting. What do you do when you know what is wrong with you but have no idea how to fix it? Being me sucks, and I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to live in a place where you are reminded constantly of your short-comings and how what you are doing now could go bad later. I don't want to be in a place where I am forced to be someone that I am not. A place that when I do show the real me, I am told that I do not know who I am, that I am wrong and they are right about who I am. I do not want to be here, in this place of pain and darkness. I want to be in a place where the darkness is not one of malcontent and secrets, but the comforting nothingness that I once knew. I just want to run away, be somewhere else, anywhere else. Just run away and leave my problems behind me.....

Episode 21: Thanksgiving

So, today being Thanksgiving and all that jazz, I have decided to put down into....type, I guess, and say what I am thankful for. Now that I think about it, I think this will be the first year in the history of me that I have actually stopped and thought about it.
So, as much as I like to bitch about them all the time, I am thankful for my friends. The ones that really love me for who I am and would love me no matter what. Thankfully I know who that very small handfull of people are. I am thankful that they have been there for me when I needed them most, whether they knew it or not.
I am thankful for Zac. There is so much I could say about him and why I am thankful for him, but none of it can be put into words and still done any justice. I am thankful for Zac and his love.
I am thankful for this rain. For anyone reading this that is not a member of my real world, I live in Geordia and we are so close to a drought that it is not even funny. There are state wide water bans and people all over the state are currently performing water conservation acts. I am so thankful to the gods that we have rain today. We are actually getting rain. And not just a small shower, we have gotten a downpour. Since I have begun measuring this morning, maybe an hour ago, we have gotten 2 inches of rain. And it's still coming. Our land is flooded, but we don't care, we need this rain so bad. I am thankful for the rain.

Episode 20: Plans and PDA

Another thing that is putting me on edge are plans. I plan and plan, for ages, it seems like they are going to end up working out and then, in the end, something ends up happening and then my plans are ruined and nothing happens. It is driving me crazy. Every ones parents have this, "week in advance" thing, so I try to plan in advance and they in turn don't give an answer until the day before or the day of the event. What is the point to that? I am sick and tired of it. I just want one thing to go right for once. The last time something went 100% right was when me and Zac actually got together. It is becoming unacceptable to me. I want time with him where I can't get written up for PDA in the hallways. I love him and I just want to be able to show it without someone telling us not to be together.
Speaking of that, I hugged Zac in the hallway yesterday and my 3rd period teacher and Zac's 6th period teacher, Mrs. McGarity, told me that me and Zac needed to quit that or she would have to write us up! Since when did it become inappropriate to hug someone?