Episode 49: Relationship Update

It has been so long since I've really updated anything.

Back in Novemeber of '08 I started dating this guy, Blake, that I used to go to High School with. He graduated two years before me and the two years between his graduation he had been in the army, living in Dallas, Texas, then in Oklahoma with his wife/ex-wife and then he was stationed in Yakima (sp?), Washington. His wife/ex-wife, Bree, of course, moved with him.

They ended up splitting up. After they had been separated for a while, she announced that she was pregnant. She gave birth to two of the cutest twins. Blake's got three kids now. The twins and his son Landon from when he was 16. He never gets to see Landon, it's a little complicated. But, after he left Bree and they filed for divorce, he started dating this other girl, Kathleen. They were together for almost a year (yes, that means his entire relationship with his wife, from dating to marriage to separating wasn't that long) before he just packed up and moved back home, to Georgia. He was here for maybe a month before I found out he was home.

He was there on Halloween night. That was the first time I'd seen him in two years. I was still attracted to him. He's just one of those guys that you know it would be dangerous for you, emotionally, to get involved, but you still can't help it. I, obviously, couldn't help it.

I've been desperate to move out of my parents house and when he offered for me to move in with him, to share rent, I jumped on it. It was sometime after I agreed that we started getting closer. I never did move in with him. He lost the house he was renting, he couldn't afford the rent with the job he had and his other roommate from Washington just up and abandoning him. But we were hanging out a lot by then. He would come over to the house and we go horseback riding. There are some pictures floating around the internet of us sleeping on the couch together after one such ride. It was later that night that he asked me out. I accepted. I didn't want anything serious. I just wanted to have a little fun, a casual relationship.

I fell in love with him. It wasn't until a few days before my birthday (December 28th) that I realized that I did love him. I couldn't help it. I can still admit that, even after everything that has happened, he still treated me better than any other guy that I've ever been with, with one exception, but we're not going down that road.....though maybe we should...no, not right now. For most of our relationship, I spent every weekend at his new place. Every night, I went to sleep wrapped in his arms and I never felt so special as I did in those moments, or when we'd cuddle on the couch to watch a movie and he'd stroke my hair or just hold my hand. Or, one time, he stayed with me for two weeks straight, at my house, and going to bed wrapped in his arms and waking up next to him, legs and arms intertwined, blankets almost on the floor, day after day, night after night....will always be memories I will cherish. Soft kisses, the way he used to look at me, the way he used to rake his nails up and down my spine, depending on what he wanted to accomplish, the way he knew just how hard or how light to do it, the way he said he loved me....these are the things I'm trying so hard to not think about day after day, the things that haunt my dreams.

When I looked into the future, I saw it with him. I saw us, together, one day married, maybe, secretly, hopefully, with kids. These are the things that I didn't think I wanted anymore. After my last serious relationship a few years ago, I'd given up on that lame dream. I felt it was a childish and useless dream, the whole house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and dog. If it wasn't for Blake, I never would have realized that I do still want that. I do still want to get married one day. I do still want kids.

All of this was shattered again about a month ago. He left me with less than a 24 hour notice. He IMed me and told me he was moving to Texas to be with closer to his kids. He couldn't even come by the house to give me a proper goodbye. He just left the next day. Less than a week ago I found out he'd actually gone back to his wife. The divorce was never finalized and there will probably never be a paternity test. After losing Landon (no, he's still alive, he just can't go see him) he really wants Bree's kids to be his. He left me to go back to her and to raise kids that might not be his.

He made me believe he loved me and that he wanted to be with me in the same way that I wanted to be with him. I thought he was in it for the long haul. And he wasn't. And it hurts worse than I ever imagined.


I'm trying to figured out how to move on....I'm just not sure how. Some times I think I'll be alright, but there are other days, other times, like now, that just make me wonder, why should even bother. I will never understand why people have to lie to and betray others. I will never understand why we can't all be truthful and honest to each other. I just can't understand why anyone would ever have to feel the way I feel right now.